I'm not Eva Gabor

This Old Houe

2012-01-29T08:25:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we looked at a house that we've been tracking on real-estate sites. Not the house for us, but an interesting excursion anyway. While advertised as coming with 5-ish acres, the lot was an odd shape and largely taken up by a pond. The pond is nice, but I'd want more area for gardening. The garage had an occupied chicken coop and a ton of space for workshop, storage and parking.

The house itself was a typical colonial (1799) with the expected additions creating a warren of sitting rooms, narrow hallways, and storage nooks, bedrooms, several working (theoretically) working fireplaces, and a tiny oddly shaped kitchen. There was a room in the basement that was clearly a root cellar, a cupboard upstairs that was clearly a cold pantry, and what looked drying rods for herbs nailed to the roof supports in the attic. The most puzzling thing was the state of the house: basic disaster. All the former owner's clutter is still about, haphazard furniture, saggy beds with unmade or no bedding, books strewn, furniture not quite in place, plus the estate-executor/caretaker's cigar boxes (and lingering cigar smoke) all over the place. And it's likely that not much has been updated since the 50s judging from the pink fixtures in the bathroom. It would take a shit-ton of work (and money) to make the place clean and livable, much less attractive. That said, it was a cool old house, and someone could really make something of it given enough time, money and opportunity.

Given the state of the house, I suspect the executor is hoping to squat on it until the bank forecloses (against the estate) and probably pick it up cheap at auction to complete the subdivision lots he's put together on either side of the house.

We made a stop at Cato Corner farm to sample (and buy) some cheese, then met friends for lunch at the Golden Palace in Uncasville, which was surprisingly good and authentic.

Today, the in-laws are coming for dinner and I'm baking a cake for B's b'day. Time permitting, I'm going to check out a yin-yoga class tonight.

random stuff

2012-01-25T11:09:00.005-05:00

Knittings: I frogged the striped shawl and restarted. There were a few minor errors, and the gauge was off enough that I felt it was best. I also changed the order of the colors to feature the magenta. It's an improvement I think. I've got 1.5 socks completed in one pattern and 1 sock completed in another patter and still have the tail end of the cable shawl to finish.

Kombucha: I decanted the first batch of kombucha last weekend. It's pretty tasty as is. I'm not inclined to add flavoring at this point, though a little ginger syrup would be nice in it too. On the health effects point of view, I was wondering if was making my asthma/congestion worse, but this morning I started having a productive cough again. So maybe it's that thing where as you detox you get a little worse until it gets kicked out of your system. Under TMI, my poo has been nice and regular since starting the kombucha too. Probiotics FTW. I've been drinking an 8oz. glass every morning. There is, of course, lots of conflicting information out on the interwebz about this stuff. I'm inclined to think it's not a miracle cure, but is an immune system boost as you increase the variety of your intestinal flora. I'd like to borrow the gizmo for testing specific gravity to see what the alcohol content is, it tastes negligent.

Social Singing: The first session was sparsly attended, but I did pull in one new person. Huzzah for me. I'm going to give it a few more tries and see what happens. It is nice to have an activity where I don't have to travel, and puts our humongo living room to good use. I'm going to suggest folks bring handwork to the next round.

Job: I did a little calcuation regarding my real income/hour figuring in the commute. Interstingly, it clocks in at the equivalent of around 60K, which is the salary I'd already determined as my low-goal when I jump ship to CT. I am getting chilly toes about changing jobs considering that G's assignment is up in December, and we just don't know what's going to happen after that. I do know that I'm not jumping until my 5 year anniversary (and 100% vesting) in July.

Savings: I'm wondering if I should use my tax refunds to pay down remaining debt (and thus get to the aggressive savings point sooner) or bank it and do the slow and steady with the debt. Currently I'm leaning towards pay down debt as the savings is back to pre-christmas/ring levels. I think it would clear everything but my Amex (and student loan), so that might be the way to go.

According to the stats someone is reading this blog. Whodathunk! Drop a comment and let me know who you are.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-19T15:22:00.004-05:00

I've done my January acounting and with paying down debt, gains in the stock market, and banking most of my christmas bonus and gift money, I now have a $12,000+ net worth. Only 5K left on the credit cards which should be gone by 2nd quarter 2012. Wow. I've come a long way since the nadir of 2007.

G and I are building a house fund. It's slow going, but I'm matching everything that he passes on to me. I'm setting a personal savings goal of a $10K balance by my birthday, that's only a little bit of a stretch with tax returns figured in. I got my first paycheck with the 401K and FSA (and new transit) deductions taken out. It was a little ouchie, but do-able. I'm curious to see what the begining of the month check is going to look like (it should be a bit better). I'm probably going to need to shift around the timing of some payments, but that's okay.

ION: My striped shawl is knitting up lovely, though I'm way under gague. I'm going to add a few rows and trust that it will stretch with blocking and use.

2012-01-12T15:39:00.003-05:00

I'm finally going to get my blood work done from my physical. Monday I should be able to get into our local Quest for the requisit fluids sampling. So, I checked that I still had the test request form -- and then checked out what the doctor had actually requested. I'm pleased. There's stuff on there to check out the inflammation I was complaining of, and also a few that might address thyroid issues. I suspect I might have a slightly underactive thyroid: other than my weight the biggest tip-off is the disappearance of my eyebrows, plus I generally feel cold these days, overtired ... stuff that could be easily attributable to lifestyle, but better to get it checked out for any possible imbalance. Of course he could have TOLD me that he'd be checking for this stuff, but this is what Google is for.

2012-01-09T14:33:00.002-05:00

I didn't accomplish quite as much as I set out to do this weekend, but it was still highly productive. I did a ton of cooking, a bit of cleaning and organizing, and got some serious down time to boot.

Of course to reward me, mother nature sent Aunt Flo a few days early. rah. Seriously. I can deal with the gray hair, I can deal with wrinkles ... bags under my eyes, not my fave. But my cycle has got to be the worst part of this getting older thing. More irregular timing wise, worse cramps, nasty flow. If I'm not going to use it, why can't I just turn it off. And what's with cramps? What possible purpose does that serve for evolution? Not a fan, not at all.

G. came back from this weekend's event with a proto-cold which he says is dragging him down today. I'm wondering if I should sleep in the other room tonight. Unhappy. It was so nice to have him back last night. On the up-side, my cooking this weekend should take a lot of the dinner prep off of his shoulders this week.

Fear the fits of organization!

2012-01-06T16:26:00.004-05:00

I've got the apartment to myself this weekend. G is off to an SCA event that I've opted out of (would have been lovely, but I'm pacing myself). I've made myself a list of tasks to complete while he's away ... some of which are the sort of things that can only happen when your partner is out of town and not making suggestions or naysaing.

Friday: take down tree ornaments (done) & lights .
Saturday: sort root cellar (done), use up contents; start kombucha (done); start yogurt (done); start bread dough (done).

REWARD: Massage (done).

Sunday: pick up zipcar, pick up CSA box, Ikea run for Benno shelves for cds/dvds and blue bags for laundry monster, vacuum bedroom, dust, change sheets.

ION: My cough/sinus infection cleared up just as the antibiotics ran out, which is good because I also developed a rash just as they ran out as well. No more amoxycillan for me. My boss is down with some upper respertory thing, so I'm being extra careful about rest, vitimins, and handwashing. No relapses for me.

2012-01-05T15:53:00.002-05:00

I've started a pair of socks to tide me over until the yarn for the "color affection" shawl gets here. Cannot be without knittings.

For the reasonable sum of $60 I am now a member of Early Music America, which gets me their quarterly publication, access to Groves Online and the Naxos Online collections, as well as discounts on journals from partner organizations. I ponied up for Oxford Journal's Early Music as well. I had a nice little giggle filling out the membership form with my disused "Dr.". One of these days I'll feel like I actually inhabit the title. My ongoing medieval/renaissance study project at least keeps me flexing those muscles.

I've also launched the announcement for singing gatherings for the local SCA group. We'll see what kind of interest it generates.

Good beginnings

2012-01-02T17:21:00.002-05:00

Lovely day. We lazed about in the morning then took a walk downtown for chinese lunch and a trip by the yarn store for the needles I'll need to complete my current and next knitting projects. Follow up with some "bonnet" TV on netflix, and I got off my arse and did a little yoga to start working on my hips and breathing, both of which have gotten creaky.

Meanwhile, the man has signed up for a once a week sustainable farming class on tuesday nights. I'm beyond please with his initiative.

aaaah

2012-01-01T14:56:00.002-05:00

The last of the new year's guests are gone, and G is off to fetch a paper. My introvert needs a little down time and pampering today. That said, we had a perfectly lovely party with a noisy room (high stakes board games) and a quiet room (knitting and other hand crafts), lots of good food, good booze, and like that there.

I'm very close to finishing my awesome cabled wrap. Soon I'll have to decide whether to do the crocheted picot edging on it.

My left knee is giving me trouble. I'm feeling it along the outside edge, and it's as if it's slightly out of alignment. Research will be done. The cough if lessening, but not completely gone with one day left on the antibiotics. Most annoying.

While I make no resolutions, the things to focus on this year are 1) moving more, 2) paying off debt/saving for downpayment, and 3) finding a job closer to where we want to be. All that seems doable. Here's hoping that 2012 sees us continuing along a positive path without too many challenges to overcome.

Phew!

2011-12-30T14:15:00.003-05:00

Crisis averted, I think. Thorough search on my part with back-up gave the boss what he needed to talk to the client without the specific document he requested. My BP is back to normal and it looks like I still have a job. Woot!

Did a first pass on the taxes with my final pay-stub. My return is down considerably, I'm asssuming that's mostly due to changes in the code since last year. I'm mostly okay with it, though the house fund won't get the $1.5K goose in the spring that I was expecting. Slow and steady is the watchword. I did pretty well in 2011. I've put in for 2012's FSA-medical account, 401K deductions, and transit checks. I'm going to work at putting more in savings and adjusting my spending to mimic the lower income I'll probably have with a new job.

Bad day

2011-12-29T14:37:00.002-05:00

This week between holidays is supposed to be slow, however I feel like that giant boulder from Raiders is after me. I've discovered a cockup at work: a little sloppiness on my part, lack of follow up by my boss and the clients, adding up to what could be a largish problem at this point. I've chatted it over with one of my coworkers and we're pretty sure my arse is covered, and there are sollutions, but the fallout from this isn't going to be pretty. I had a pretty good idea about the issue last night, and didn't sleep well as a consequence. I've spent the better part of today back-tracking trying to figure out what happened. I'm sure my BP is through the roof. Fortunately, the boss has sounded pretty calm in email and phone thus far.

Assuming that I come through this just fine, I'm putting it here on this blog that no one reads ... that I'm going to do my utmost to be out of here by the end of 2012. My credit cards will be paid off, I'll have a fair emergency fund in the bank. I need to find something that's lower stress with less of a commute. I should do some number crunching to figure out what kind of salary I'll need to keep putting $$$$ away for the future, and then be more aggressive about finding something elsewhere.

Should I be worried?

2011-12-27T06:42:00.004-05:00

This dragging cold/sinus infection/cough/whatever it is that I've been fighting has apparently put me off my feed. As of this morning I'm 282 ... which means I've lost 5 lbs. over the holidays. Who does that?

I don't seem to be very interested in sweets, and while I'm sampling most things, I've been having small portions and not stuffing myself. I also seem to be limited to only 1 or 2 drinks if I have alcohol at all. It's quite strange. I'm going to choose to interpret this as intuitive eating finally clicking into place. I'm going to be sad if I suddenly lose a bunch of weight after spending a good bit of money to refurbish my wardrobe at this size. Fortunately(?) it takes quite a bit of loss to make a noticeable change up at this end of the sizes.

Happy Boxing Day!

2011-12-26T16:42:00.003-05:00

Santa was very good to me. Pretty much everything I got was related to our moving towards local and sustainable eating. I got a passive food dehydration rack, a slew of books on gardening, root cellars, traditional cooking and preservation, homesteading, a kombucha starter kit ... and a work lamp for when I'm doing hand work. I guess someone (everyone's) got my number!

We've got our eye on a property in Eastern CT, which we can't afford right now, but in a year or so we could have the downpayment in hand. It's been on the market for over a year, so maybe we're not completely hopeless. Save downpayment plus a cushion, find jobs in Hartford, buy property, start gardening without giving ourselves heart attacks. Simple, right?

Every so often I wonder about the wisdom of what we're aspiring to. Mid-40s, out of shape, various aches and ills. Becoming serious backyard gardeners could either flatten us or get us make us healthy again.

I've had a cough for over a month. Decongestants, mucinex, cough suppressants, asthma inhaler, a course of antibiotics ... I'm hoping that the antibiotics will knock out the probable sinus infection that's been causing the postnasal drip that's been causing the cough. I've really had it with not being able to draw a proper breath on a regular basis. On the up side, it's put me off my food and drink to a certain extent. I may actually loose a few pounds this month. That'd be novel.

In one of the books I got for christmas there's a discussion of how the modern american diet has been denatured of nutritional value, while whole foods and traditionally preserved (fermented) foods have pro-biotic content that is crucial to good health. I breezed past a study the other day that links acetominafan to asthma, and a certain microbe to the prevention of asthma. Makes you think.

Kate took a picture of me and posted it to her Facebook. I'm not going to block it, but I don't like it. I think I look old. Like my my hairline has receded and my face is getting saggy and faded. I wonder if I started doing yoga again if I'd look a tad more vital.

A bit rambly, but there's much stewing in my brain.

Distracted by the shiny

2011-11-14T12:57:00.002-05:00

Turns out it's a sapphire not an amethyst. It's gorgeous. We picked it up about half an hour ago. It shifts color a bit towards blues in natural sunlight, and I keep doing that annoying engaged girl thing and keep looking at it. Showed it off to the nice lady in our Korean deli. Yeah. I guess I did want a ring.

Over 20 years ago, in another state, another man pissed me off on purpose so my joy would be that much greater when he proposed. Idiot that I was I said yes. Then we looked for rings, I found one that I really wanted but though we should shop around as it was more expensive than I felt comfortable asking for, then we saw something in the mall that I said might do, and before I could really digest my choices the mall ring was on my finger. It was fine. Which pretty much describes that relationship until we agreed to call it quits.

This time I got a gorgeous romantic proposal with his mama's ring. Turns out her stone couldn't be reset, so I got to choose my ring. I chose the exact ring that I wanted, and my guy came to put it on my finger after I paid for it. And I'm really liking that I'm in a place in my life where I could pay for the ring outright. Life has a funny way of working out.

And so it goes...

2011-11-07T13:34:00.002-05:00

Dad's in the hospital/rehab again. I think it's been about a year since the last time. He went in last Wednesday because the wound on his leg that refuses to heal had become seriously infected again. He's getting a round of IV antibiotics and will be in the rehab facility for about 2 weeks. That would make his getting out point just before T-day, much like last year. I'm not sure what his assistant thinks about my calm reaction, but I've done this dance too many times before to get excited.

2011-11-05T14:22:00.005-04:00

Picked up the diamond and the three rings I had appraised today. The rings were worth about what I figured they were, and should go a fair piece towards a downpayment for a house when I sell them. Good news.

While I was at the jewelers I saw a lovely amethyst ring. I'm now waffling on the whole not getting an engagement ring at all thing. On the one hand, bucks on my finger is less money for the house downpayment. On the other, a nice piece of jewelry to mark the occasion is a hard tradition to buck.

EDIT: I'm almost resolved to pull the trigger on the ring. My end of the year bonus should cover most of it. My only lingering doubt is if I'm going to resent being the one to buy it at some point in the future.

Well!

2011-10-18T14:47:00.006-04:00

That answers that question. Facebook stalking the ex, and I came across a picture of a witch from one of his Halloween set ups which has been titled "the ex in the daylight". Guess he's still nursing a bit of a grudge there. Nice way to move on at least seven years later judging from the date on the picture. What a putz.

I figure my unhealthy obession with stalking his Facebook has to do with impending marriage #2, and do I want to be married again at all or was the ex just really the wrong guy. Considering that the thing that I wanted most out of my first marriage was security and that I'm making my own security these days, I figure I'm in pretty good shape to be making vows again.

As for the ring conundrum, the jeweler in New Haven has completely declined to reset the stone given its damaged state. I'm going to take it to another place for a second opinion, and then we'll go from there. I talked it over with G and mostly he wanted to have something to propose with, so that being done, he's cool if we don't reset it.

A few things about well being: 1) coconut oil is a fantastic conditioner, I'm going to use it as a deep conditioning treatment once a week, but after two uses it's improved the texture of my hair considerably. 2) G's efforts to improve what he eats is paying off for me as well: G's lost 11lbs. and I'm down about 8. Not too shabby for not trying too hard. 3) my check-up went well, though the doc avoided mentioning weight at all except in passing, 4) he thought it was a good idea to give me a pneumonia vaccine, but neglected to mention the 2 days of aches and low grade fever that would result. Ugh. Waste of a weekend.

Quandry

2011-10-08T15:39:00.002-04:00

So I had a preliminary discussion with one of the jewelers in town about the engagement ring, what style I'd like, how much it'll cost, and also getting some of my other rings appraised. Good news/bad news - two of my rings may be worth quite a bit given the price of gold and diamonds these days, bad news: getting a new setting made may cost quite a bit given the price of gold these days. Also, the stone from G's mom is damaged (probably when she knocked it out of the setting those times), and actually may not be an actual diamond. I'm not sure what to do about this. Do I tell G? Do I tell no one? Do I make an excuse to not get the stone reset? Do I just buy a whole new ring and not tell anyone about the original stone? My concern is that resetting an inferior stone is going to cost lots more than getting an off-the-rack ring of equal or better quality. I think I'll talk it over with mom first. So much family politics involved in this one. I don't know that I actually need or want a diamond engagement ring if it's not a family piece, and the outlay of a couple thousand dollars which could be better spent on the wedding party or our future house. No decisions needed yet, as the jewelers are going to get back to me with more information, then I'll go from there.

Sex and Death

2011-09-23T08:10:00.003-04:00

One of the things I've noticed about cohabitating and the long commute is that I'm hardly ever alone. For anyone with slight introverted tendencies this can get a little rough. We've figured out how to give each other space for the day to day stuff, but I always feel weird about masturbating. As a single girl I had a healthy self-lovelife, but now with my alone time at a premium I'm getting it on with myself even less than I get it on with my sweetie. Not complaining, per se, but it means if things go too long for one or the other I can get pretty tightly wound ... which is fun when I'm finally unraveled, but it can get a little rough there in the interim.

Facebook stalking my ex this morning I saw that his mother passed away last night. I won't write to him, but I'll say here that I'm sorry he's going through that (though we all do eventually) and glad he was able to be closer at the end. It was sounding like she had pretty advanced dementia, and hadn't been well for a while. It's probably a mercy. I hope he had a chance to resolve a few things with her, and I hope with both of his parents gone now he has a chance to move beyond their crazy.

Why is it in this country that we're so weird about death? It happens to everyone. Eventually you'll know people who died if you don't already. Sometime after 40 I got okay with my mortality. I think it has something to do with feeling more in control of where I'm going. Why do we avoid death at all possible cost, even torturing our bodies for the hope of six more months when palliative care would probably result in better quality of life and maybe even more time to say goodbye? I like my life, I like where it's going, but I don't think I have the need to bankrupt myself and my family if my number comes up. Death panels, pulling the plug on grandma, but let the uninsured die, right to life v. death penalty, the zeitgeist is so inconsistent I wonder if the Right's fear of death has something to do with wondering if they're really okay with their God. I'm okay with mine.

Round-up

2011-09-16T13:56:00.003-04:00

Since we got back from Pennsic, G. has been pretty focused on eating better and keeping his sugar under control. His efforts have really been paying off: he's been able to reduce the amount of insulin he's using, some days forgoing the fast-acting all together. As a side-effect I've lost 5ish pounds.

I'm hoping to lose about 7 more so that my weight appears "stable" when I go to the doctor in a month. I think otherwise my numbers are pretty good, and I don't envision any issues other than the usual wrong-headed tsking about my weight.

I'm back in positive networth territory after a dip from the market and having to buy a new computer. I'm still looking at a December goal for all the credit cards. SO exciting.

I haven't spoken to Dad since before Irene blew through. I asked him specifically to call me and he didn't. So I didn't. Childish I know, but the lack of communication from his end bugs me. I've got a little office gossip to share with him so I'll call over the weekend.

Everyone's been apprised of our elopement proto-plan. I'm getting the feeling we might just DO IT next spring. As my friend K said, why wait?

Meanwhile, we've been canning and putting up and canning some more. We've been having discussions about the CSA and the ratio of fruit: vegetables, whether it's working for us, and all that. I think that it's been really forcing us to eat more seasonally, which is great, and getting us used to the rhythm of the preserving is also good. We're going to do an inventory of what's left from last year and make end of season plans from there re: tomatoes, apple butter and sauce, and chowchow.

Pass that tinfoil hat ...

2011-09-06T13:59:00.002-04:00

Had a short but packed discussion with Mom about finances. She's proud of me for doing as well as I have about the debt and is determined to help me over the finishline. I've gotten close enough to the finishline, that I'm going to let her. She's donating $10K to the cause (the limit of what you can gift before there are taxes involved): $5k of that goes to debt and the other $5k is to go into an IRA. This is great. It will completely pay off the line of credit account that I have hanging out there, leaving just my Amex and the overdraft on my checking to pay off, which could potentially be done by the end of the year. THAT would be fantastic. Then there's that student loan ... My plan for that is to increase payments to between double - $1K a month, and take the rest of the money I've been sinking into debt into savings until the emergency fund is well funded. Also I want to look at contributing to the 401K starting in January.

G had a windfall from a wedding he catered this weekend and he gave me $200 to set aside for our wedding/house fund. I've plunked it in a savings account and think that I'll automatically match whatever he puts in. The interest is piss-poor, but it's impossible to get anything significant these days unless you're in the market.

And this is where I go into long-term planning and tinfoil hat territory. Look at that last sentence. Look at that last sentence and think about who's IN the market, and getting rich from the market, and who's gotten wiped out by the market, etc. My mother is all about the 401K and the IRA, and that's great, my generation has got to do those things, but that and Social Security is not going to be enough to get us through retirement. All the so-called entitlement programs are going to look very different by the time Gen-X and beyond are ready to use them.

I think realistic, modest lifestyles, good health, and a paid-off patch of dirt where you can eek out a modicum of self-sufficiency is going to be what lets my generation survive our old age. The family farm got this country through the depression, victory gardens got the world through WWII, the family dascha got the Russians through communism (this is the line for no bread), France and Italy still have the culture of the family farm even if that family has gone mostly urban. Instead we've got welfare and foodstamps which, while well intentioned, are being undermined by big-agro, processed foods, and fast food. I read today that fast food restaurants want to be able to accept food stamps. Have you ever heard a more useless thing?

Surprisingly, when I laid this out for Mom, she thought I was right on. No tinfoil in sight.

We're engaged!

2011-08-24T10:06:00.004-04:00

G proposed with his mama's ring while we were on vacation. I said yes. Now we have to take the ring to a jeweler to get the ring repaired (which is while it wasn't on his mama's finger). Both my parents seem pleased. We're making a list of Big Ticket Items that we need to be financing in the next several years, from equipment for his business to the wedding party & honeymoon to a house downpayment.

Before all that I'd already planned to take some money out of savings to pay for a new computer. Can I say how much I like having savings to be able to do that sort of thing? It was a healthy chunk, and I'll have to rebuild it over the next few months, but the compter is paid for, and I've paid off another credit card. Woot! One credit card, the overdraft for my checking, and a line of credit to go, totalling about $12,000. That looks so much more manigable than where I started. That's less than a year of payments. Then it will be on to the student loan, though mom may have a plan for that.

My mother wants to pull me in on her financial planning appointment, and I may use that as a jumping off point for some of my own questions and goals. I'm wondering if we should do a pre-nup and we'll need wills. If I'm wondering, the answer is probably yes. I think we're undergoing a major scope change in our planning. For folks who never looked past next year, having a 5 year plan is a major step. And I'm starting to look at the really long term to 20 years out to retirement.

Meanwhile, I've been canning like a madwoman to catch up with the accumulation of produce while we were out of town: six jars of peach jam, 8 4oz jars of pear butter, and 4 pints of corn relish later, I've got it under control.

2011-07-21T15:37:00.004-04:00

D'boss found my last nerve a little bit ago. I DESPERATELY need vacation. Further, I think in my next review, lo those many months in the future, I'm going to mention the lunch time issues: that I'm constantly working through lunch, because d'boss works through lunch and expects to keep working. I haven't attempted to put in for OT for lunch for ages since it got shot down. If I were a smoker I'd make it up in smoke breaks, but my bum tends to be solidly in my seat during working hours. This week between the missed lunch hours, the working late and coming in early on Monday and Tuesday, plus covering for the cellmate who's out, I'm feeling less willing to put up with any sort of snappishness whether or not the criticism was justified.

The current influx of work better not interfere with my vacation. At. All.

Last weekend we visited my father. Not a peep regarding my birthday. I'm somewhere between pissed and relieved. Pissed that he forgot. Relieved because that was the last hostage for my good conduct. Now, our relationship is no sort of exchange, what ever he gets is from me is now at my instigation. The sad thing is, when we visit, I don't feel like it's much of a visit. We're there, he's there, we tell him stuff, he tells us not much at all. He makes no effort to be a good host. His head is so far up his ass that he can't think of anything but himself. But really, selfishness from an addict? That's hardly unexpected.

5 work days to vacation. Meanwhile, I'll apply ice cream to the situation. When I finally get out of the office.

Meanwhile, in my daily dose of schadenfreude, I see via the magic of facebook that my ex has gotten a contract position at Borders, WHICH just announced their liquidation. Good that he's putting something in his employment gap, but I do think that moving back to MI was a colossally bad idea.

2011-07-06T16:54:00.003-04:00

The bad: G's car is in the shop, and while his folks have offered to pay for the repairs, we're probably going to have to front the money somehow. G is understandably in a bad mood about this, especially with Pennsic and it's related expenses looming, his car taxes due this month as well. I've given him some $$$ towards the taxes and the hitch we'll need for Pennsic, but after vacation I think we need a sitdown and a revamp for his personal finances as well as the joint account. I want to set him up with a "July fund" that will give him his Pennsic and tax money without thinking about it so July isn't always such an awful crunch. ... Cuz really it's all about me and I don't like him feeling all poor when it's my birthday and all. EVERYONE benefits! The saver/spender dichotomy is being tricky to negotiate, especially with me as the breadwinningest partner. Lots of baggage there for me, and I'm sure he's got some lurking too. I don't want to infantalize him, but he's got to get on top of his money situation if we're going to buy a house eventually.

The good: I'm loving our CSA box. It's feeling like a manageable amount of food for the two of us thus far, but we certainly can't slack on eating our veg or we'll be overwhelmed. I think they're being very clever, rather than giving an over abundance of low ticket items so you feel like you're getting tons, we get a good amount of a high ticket item (berries, eggs, honey) and some of this and that which helps control the volume of produce we're dealing with. I can tell we're going to have to think of interesting things to do with summer squash though.

The ugly: Both my father and my friend R forgot my birthday this year. R emailed today and offered to take me out tomorrow to make amends, which is fine. He is redeemed, but it also confirms (yet again) his lack consideration for other people. As for my father, I'm going to suggest that a call on the day would not be amiss, even if he's planning on handing me a check in a week.

The silly: Happy birthday to me. Because of car trouble we didn't go camping. This turned out to be okay. We took many naps, got some things done around the apartment, checked out local dim sum, and I went to the local string shop and rented a violin for a year. I'm sure the neighbors are horrified. The connecting fingers with pitches part is going much faster than when I was a kid, as I'm not learning to read music on top of that. My intonation isn't bad, but the tambor of my pitches and my bowing need serious improvement before I'd be willing to do anything in public. It's a nice little challenge for that side of my brain.

2011-06-21T10:04:00.002-04:00

Okay. So all that from the last post? Pretty much resolved at least for now. The mountain of dishes got done, the money was paid back without prompting, we're both being a little more proactive about the housework.

I figured out that there is maybe a single month (September) that we don't have some sort of family obligation to at least one of our families. No wonder I'm feeling familied out. I may start editing my participation in some of his family events.

Money issues are still lurking, but I haz a plan. He's a spender, I'm a newly converted saver paying down the mistakes of my past. To deal with that, when we moved in together we created a joint household account that we both pay into. I think the bookkeeping has gotten fuzzy because that bank is inconvenient for deposits and G is often just paying for household things out of his personal account. I suspect there's some inequity somewhere. So we're going to move the household account to a more convenient bank so the system has a chance to work. I'm hoping that this will help G better manage his budget and find some money he can set aside for unexpected expenses and vacations so that it's not always a big crunch going into July. It may mean that I set up an account for him somewhere so the money's not readily accessible. I need to convince him to contract his budget to allow for some savings, and boy, do I know how hard that is to do.

On that score... I HAVE A POSITIVE NET WORTH!!!! Finally. Years in the making. Next month I'll pay off another card completely.

No good very bad day

2011-05-24T14:42:00.002-04:00

I do belive that himself and I are having a multi-day tiff. I've been sitting on things so as not to cause a ruckus during his busiest 2 week catering period, but things are starting to come to a head and he's been firing a few rounds himself. *sigh*

I asked that he be better about cleaning as he goes when he's in major catering mode.
He asked that I do more dishes.

I think we're referencing the same overwhelming mess in the kitchen, but have disagreements about how that mess got to be and who is responsible, and expectations regarding just how collaborative his catering work is.

Of course, this is getting conflated in my head with all the time we spend with his family and how little time we spend with mine, the ongoing clutter in the rest of the apartment that makes me feel like we can't have guests over, and is to the point that we can't get someone in to help with the cleaning.

And I spent a big hunk of Sunday cleaning the bathroom and getting cat vomit off the carpets (which I'm pretty sure he said he'd take care of weeks ago, the cat puke that is). Plus, at the event where I was initially told I would "drive the 2nd car, hand him the keys and go on my merry way" I spent hours diffusing the impending meltdown when I arrived, helping him set up and break down, and floated him $50 for singles for the till. Now, the event didn't go well, the till was short for no aparent reason, but he's made no mention about paying me back. However, I am noticing that money issues are a consistent part of my internal grumblings, so something is going on there.

I'm also very grumpy about my coming birthday, and part of my internal discussion is if we do go to Stone Barns I'll end up footing the bill for himself or maybe he won't go because of the expense, which is somehow making it less of a treat for me. I get that I make more money and am a better saver, but I'm feeling like there's an expectation there that obviates any necessity of his mending his ways on those scores.

*sigh* Clearly it's time for us to talk some of these things out. Hmm. Housework, family expectations, and money. *snort* How typical.

Act IV?

2011-04-27T10:32:00.002-04:00

First, shoe nirvana is postponed. In the humid April weather they gave me a nasty blister on top of my right big toe. This is pretty typical when I make the switch to shoes-no-socks in the spring though. Dem feets need to toughen up for the summer. I'm reasonably sure after the shoes and my feet go through a getting to know you period everything will work out fine.

Second, I just posted this to my facebook account: [Sarahbyrdd] is starting to think that the next chapter may be about lifestyle not career.

I mean, I've been turning myself inside out thinking what my next career will be, something I can dig in to and feel some fulfillment. But, really, how many people get to do that? I'm pulling down an excellent salary for the kind of work I do, and most of the time the office doesn't piss me off too much. It's making it possible for me to get out of debt in the not distant future, build an emergency fund, save for retirement, save for a downpayment on a house (garden! chickens! yoga hut!). What if it's not about the job, but the kind of life I want to lead?

Now, I don't want to be doing this insane commute for the next twenty years, but could I do it for the next seven or so until himself "retires" from Yale? By then I'd have put together an nice little nest egg and realistically might have a bit of an inheritance to go with it. At the very least, it makes no sense for me to leave before summer 2012 when I'll be fully vested. And it makes sense that I'd have to do some slogging in the trenches of corporate america to financially off-set the years I was in school or marginally employed while trying to be a singer. Sock away the maximum bucks for the next several years (401K, IRA, savings, whathave you), then when the time comes get my house, garden, chickens, and hut (if that's what I still want) and some inoffensive day job (maybe even teaching), but not fret overly about salary equivalencies.

Could I be happy, say, teaching voice or music history at a minor state college somewhere as an adjunct for some cash, or maybe doing some admin work, and focusing on building my cottage farm? That may just work.

2011-04-26T15:06:00.003-04:00

Big things doing! Between the last quarter's gains on my annuity account and 2010's profit sharing from work I have been bumped to within $400 of a positive net worth. Amazing. I did a little dance and bought shoes.

These shoes, which may be nirvana in shoe form: Merrell Gabriellas in black. Instantly comfortable with not too much squish in the support, and thus far I don't feel any areas that are going to rub badly.

The iPod is truly dead, so I'm debating new iPod vs. iPhone. No decisions as yet.

Yesterday, himself (though not I) met his grandbebe for the first time. A brief visit, which was all his (step)son could finagle with his circumstances (staying with his mom, transportation controlled by her), short, sweet, and a good start. I've seen pictures. Looks like a cute kid, lots of mischeif ahead. I'm not sure how I feel about being a granny without the intervening steps. Though with the kids living on the other side of the country it's not going to be an issue for now.

I've only backslid a few times on my avoidance of artificial sweetneers and soda this month. Much better than I expected to. I'm not sure I can point to anything in particular, but I've been feeling more centered and capable. I've read that aspertame can interefere with the production of seritonin ... that might have somethign to do with it. I'm not saving any money, as I buy coffee on the way to work rather than a soda. But still, I feel like this is definately a step in the right direction. Maybe HFCS and white sugar are next, though that would take some serious cooperation from the man to avoid the HFCS in readymade products. Babysteps.

I've been much better about my mini-asna, and am adding a little legs up the wall in the evenings. I got a "Yoga for Weight Loss" magazine yesterday which has some really good looking gentle asanas. I'm going to work towards actually doing a full asana a few times a week on top of my mini-breaks. My knees and legs generally have been feeling pretty good under this regimin, though I did have a little swelling on the injured side over the weekend. Possibly too many days of not the right shoes (hence the purchase of nirvana above).

We found a CSA that works for us!!! Boxes start mid-june and go through Thanksgiving. We've been wanting to do a CSA but couldn't find one close enough that offered a mid-week pick-up, as we're mostly gone during the summer weekends. I'm so psyched.

I started a crock o kraut. I think it's done its thing. Smells fermented, tastes pretty good. Next I gotta make something with it! In this process it has occurred to me that you can lactoferment many vegetables and that it might be a nice alternative to all the vinegar pickles.

I've been snacking, bordering on binging, lately. I'm not sure what's driving it. During the writing of this post I've worked through a half sack of goldfish. At least they're baked not fried, right?

Roundup

2011-03-31T11:22:00.004-04:00

Been a while. My granny is (still?) fading, but not that quickly. It's horrible. I really hope that by the time my turn rolls around (or my mother's for that matter) they've figured out how to combat alzheimers or have gotten over any moral reluctance to embrace euthenasia. Really. That's no way to live.

Himself is bubbling with plans for his "tavern" business. I'm pleased that he's focusing more on sourcing his food locally and with artisans we know, not to mention canning and selling his own version of Branston Pickle. I fancy that's my influence.

I've been lax about minding my food and doing my mini asana, though I note that my knee feels almost normal now. A little stretching has big benefits. With the stress about my granny (not really about granny, but more about how to support mom through this) I've been doing a bit of binging. Himself is in a mood to drop some pounds, so I'm pondering an April ban on fast food and sodas for a start for me. I don't know that that I've ever been artificial sweetener free for any length of time. A month might be a good experiment. Not so hard to have coffee or tea instead in the morning. And I could eat my bag lunch more. *sigh*

I ordered 3 different yogurt cultures and call 2 of them a success. Filmjolk cultures at room temperature and is very mild and the Greek culture cultures at 110 and is good and thick without having to be strained. The Villi cultures at room temperature, but has a delicate glassy curd like a baked custard and separates from the whey too easily for my taste.

Himself and I did some semi-joking planning of an elopement to Las Vegas. Really, that'd be the way to go this time.

I'm feeling stuck at my job. I've got about a year to go before all my credit cards are paid off. Once that's done I could find something with less salary closer to home, or I could stick it out until I'm vested and we're ready to buy something with a little land and just sock money away in the 401k and savings in the mean time. I still don't really know what I want to be in the next phase.

2011-03-08T11:56:00.003-05:00

I think I'm making progress of a sort. This past weekend were were at a birthday party for the my sweetie's father. The menu was antipasta, pasta with meatballs and sausage, brussles sprouts, carrot cake and chocolate cake. I might be forgetting a few things there, it was the usual groaning board for family get togethers. I dished myself a reasonable serving of what I wanted, eschewed what I didn't want, and didn't go crazy. Last night we had some of the leftovers, and I passed on the cake. Whatever that compulsion was to go crazy with "treat" foods was, it's sleeping deep these days. Maybe I've been successful in doing a little mental deprogramming around food? I'd still like to skew what I'm eating towards more healthful choices (less processed), but I think I'm on the right track here.

I'm keeping up with my mini-asana in the morning, and my knee is markedly better. It's feeling more stable and is less prone to painful stiffness and weirdness. I have to think about my gait on occassion to keep from favoring the bad knee unduely, but over all that's improving too.

The perpetual cold is 85% cleared up, but I've got lingering sinus congestion, morning gunk, and a cough that's really awful mostly in the evenings. I'm begining to wonder if it's not the BP meds causing the issue. Giving it a little more time before I go off the reservation with the meds.

Mom says that my granny is declining and it won't be long now. I'm trying to decide if I need to pay a visit before she goes. On one hand I didn't have much of a relationship with her, she won't recognize me, and my last few visits were rough. On the other hand, she's the last of my grandparents and I feel the need to honor the generation some how. And on the other OTHER hand, I get resentful because I won't have any children or grandchildren to visit me when I'm in my final decline. So there's lots of STUFF going on there. I did talk with mom and cleared up any unvoiced expectations she had for me, really it's up to me. In a me-centric world, I think I need sleep more than I need to say goodbye in person, and save my energy for supporting mom in the aftermath.

Himself seems to have calmed down a bit. We met a very interesting lady from MA who seems to be having a focusing effect on him. She sees a similar hell in a handbasket future coming, but is approaching it through preservation of traditional arts, holistic healing, and positivism, which I find much more palatable. Whatever, he's laid off the firearm and ammo collecting, and is going to focus more on food stores. This is a move in the right direction. Having food stores is just a sensible thing to do, if you've got space for it.

My Sweetie Hears Voices

2011-02-28T15:29:00.001-05:00

Okay, I don’t know if he hears actual voices, but he says he gets vague messages from the universe about being prepared for unsettled times. Most of the time I really don’t care that this makes him sound crazy. He’s a good caring man who works hard to get his job done, develop his side business and still take care of me. Most of the time I brush off his burgeoning paranoia as the result of too much talk radio and Fox News. It mostly manifests in his cranky Libertarian leanings and our pantry cupboards being filled to bursting with dried beans and canned goods. I can live with the politics and a well stocked pantry as a little food security against uncertain employment isn’t all that weird these days.

But sometimes, sometimes the voices really get him down. He gets depressed about not being able to get his message through, not being able to save everyone he knows, in a worry loop about the hard choices he thinks he’s going to have to make some time in the future. And it freaks him how that it’s a big vast unknown and there’s nothing he can really do about it. Last night’s outburst included his uncertainty that I’d even be with him when the dire event strikes. I try and talk him down with the idea that whatever these messages are they’re just information and he shouldn’t attach emotional value to them, nor should he get on a hamster wheel of worry about things that haven’t happened yet and may not ever happen. It doesn’t really sink in.

I wonder if it’s that he likes the drama of being a self-styled sensitive and prophet. On the one hand, I think we’ve all felt like we’ve gotten a message from the universe from time to time, and on the other, how egotistical to think that one would be special enough to have a direct line to some special knowledge. I waffle on the fate/self-determination question. But ultimately, one person in ordinary circumstances has a finite ability to make changes in society and government. If you’re doing what you are able to do, it doesn’t make sense to sweat the things that you can’t change. Otherwise you’re shoulding all over the place, and that way lies misery.

I don’t know what to do about my sweetie. I’ll continue to help him let go of the anxiety that the messages cause him. Part of me thinks he has some sort of karmic lesson to learn about letting go. I hope that he’s not batshit crazy, and I hope that whatever dire events he sees don’t come to pass. And in either case, (and he’s given me no cause to worry about this other than that there are guns in the house) I hope that his ultimate solution doesn’t involve turning guns on himself and me.

2011-02-25T15:10:00.003-05:00

Our little talk the other night resulted in himself finding his glucose meter, making sure it has batteries, and digging out a fresh chart. He started to get a little defensive about testing only twice a day, but I told him he just needed some sort of record of How It's Been for when he goes in for a check up. We could do more frequent testing when/if we need to start eliminating things that spike his sugar. Baby steps.

Even just the sunbreaths I'm doing is having an effect on my stress levels and my posture. It is, indeed, totally worth it to do even a few minutes of yoga every day. When I went to the doctor to get my perpetual cold checked out on Friday my BP was perfectly normal, no white-coat issue at all. So, baby steps indeed.

2011-02-23T17:09:00.003-05:00

I tried to pin down himself about plans for his birthday and he's just not having it. Doesn't want to go out, won't say if he wants a party, can't think about it now, maybe in a few days. I think the camel just broke it's back.

I'm going to do a little tough love tonight. I suspect my sweetie is 1) depressed, or 2) feeling the effects of not controlling his diabetes, or 3) both. I'm going to nudge him to do something about it because his mood is affecting mine.

I've been feeling like a 1950's husband wishing my partner would be smiles and sunshine when I get home rather than a lump on the couch. Considering he has dinner on the table every night when I get home, does all the shopping, and works full time (though with an in town commute), he's got every right to be tired too. But the persistence of his mood makes me think there's something else going on.

2011-02-22T15:30:00.004-05:00

Last night we tried the first of the great beef score of 2011. I made osso buco with some of the shank portions accompanied by truffled polenta. Himself declared the polenta a little too funky on its own for his taste, but good in combination with the rest of the food.

I followed this recipe, but also added a few anchovie fillets to the pot for salt and earthiness. http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/osso-buco-with-red-wine

It was darn tasty, if I say so myself, but I think it could have used some more time in the oven for even more melting tenderness.

Browning the shank portions

I got to use some of my home canned tomatoes

The finished dish with a little gremolata sprinkled on top.

2011-02-15T13:48:00.003-05:00

Last week we got a call from a friend who works on an historical farm upstate saying that they were putting down one of their oxen and did we want any of the beef at $2/pound for mixed cuts and ground. YES! So we consulted with the local crowd, put in an order for 200 lbs. to be divvied up between 4 different households, and drove over to Tarrytown to pick it up on Sunday.

We had a really nice lunch at a Portuguese/Brazilian place in Tarrytown, got a personal tour of the farm from the farm manager where we met lots of sheep (and lambs!) and the yoke mate of our beef and their eventual replacements etc. (pictures on facebook). An excellent adventure.

For our portion we got a bunch of shin sections, short ribs, london broil, various steaks a few roasts and a pile of ground, most of which we stashed in George's folks extra freezer in the basement. 50 lbs. of organic, pastured, ethically raised beef. I'm curious to see how the taste will differ both with the pasture fed part and it being 4 years old when slaughtered. I'm expecting beefier and tougher, I'm planning to braise most of it.

I "displayed" my Plimoth sweete bag at the event on Saturday and got some nice comments on the bag and the documentation. I should keep doing this. The pattern project is coming along nicely, I'm going to need to find the #5 gold thread for the bars soon.

I had a quick, effective, non-fraught conversation with my mother about her grandbaby lust and need for sensitivity to my burgeoning perimenapausal state. After a couple of repetitions she got it.

I have a cold again, more coughing, nose harmonica. I'm going to make with the flonaze tonight and see if that helps.

I'm continuing with the moring warm-ups, but discovered some seriously tight muscles in my hips/butt over the weekend. I'm going to have to work in some supine twists soon. Threw in an utkatasana this morning and really felt that in my bad ankle, but in a good way I think.

In old business, I see from his facebook wall that my ex is moving back to Michigan "to live with an old friend". Wonder which one? What a mistake. When we were divorcing almost 10 years ago the ex was adamant that he was going to move back to MI then but it took all this time and getting laid off from the job that I found for him to kick him into action. And he's going to move back to a state that has equally bad or worse unemployment as OR? Back to his wildly disfunctional family? I continue to thank my lucky stars that I got out of that when I did.

I do wonder about my penchent for underachievers. Pretty much every guy that I've been in a serious relationship with could be tarred with that brush. Of course, that can also describe me, academic career nonwithstanding. Maybe it goes hand in hand with being conflict and risk adverse ... and I'm pretty clear where THAT came from.

2011-02-11T09:30:00.004-05:00

Sunbreaths but no medidtation today. The new train is getting me to the office with plenty of time to spare but I'm sure missing that sleep.

Next week I'm going to build my sequence to include some utkatasana to start strengthening my knee. After that I'll throw in some lunges. Enventually, I'll work up to some proper sun salutations.

I'm pretty happy with the documentation I've cobbled together for my sweete bag. I think it shows that I'm not a complete idiot, and if I get guff people can go screw. So there.

In the process of looking at extant examples I came across The Scarlet Letter which sells historical embroidery kits, including kits for many of the 17th century samplers I was looking at. Wicked cool. I'm tempted to get myself one as a treat. Though since I just ordered some garb, maybe not this month. What I will do soon is order some soie d'alger and 36 count linen so that I can make the silk version of the stumpwork bag I've been fiddling with in cottons. I'll have to find a good home for the cotton version.

2011-02-09T09:50:00.003-05:00

1) 10 sunbreaths and 20 minute meditation on train (yesterday too).

2) I'm switching to an earlier train. Maybe the less sleep will pay off in less agrivation.

3) I'm going to order some wool garb if they can get it to me before gather weekend.

4) I need to talk to my mother. She needs to temper her zeal for other people's babies with some sensitivity to my window of opportunity closing. It's making me feel really shitty on several levels.

2011-02-07T12:29:00.002-05:00

1) It appears that most of the clothes I've bought for winter over the past several years are either black or purple. I'm going to have to mix that up a bit.

2) 10 sun breaths this morning plus a meditation on the train.

3) One of my concerns is my breath. I've had leftover congestion from a cold since ... forever. It seems like I'm always coughing these days. I'm on the alert for coughing related to my BP meds, which I've been told is a dry cough. But this is a asthmatic and/or gunky thing. Plus at night I wheeze. This ain't great. It makes me wonder if I could ever reliably sing again (see curiosity about the violin). I'm hoping with the breath disciplin of yoga things will free up over time.

4) I might be able to write some backwards documentation for Sweete Bag #1. Which might be worth entering in A&S competition at some point. A suite of 3 sweete bags might be a nice approach to the final entry: 1 from kit, 1 from pattern, 1 copied/self created from period source. I'm digging sweete bags as completeable projects on which to play with techniques.

Two things

2011-02-03T16:40:00.002-05:00

1) I'm having a yen for a violin. I studied the Suzuki method in grade school for a couple of years, and am curious about how I'd find it now. With my burgeoning interest in folk music, it might be a nice non-singing way to participate. Or it could sit and rot in a corner for years. I wonder if there's an instrument rental place in New Haven.

2) The commute is bad for me. Unhealthy. I really need to start doing something, even on a small scale, to counteract the stresses. I'm wondering if I could manage 10 minutes of yoga warmups in the morning plus about 20 minutes of meditation on the train. If I committed to that and did it regularly for a month, what would happen? The meditation part should be pretty easy to accomplish. I've got some meditation recordings on my iPod, and I can upload more. The yoga is a little more difficult. The 10 minutes I could find, but I'm still having issues with my right knee, probably left over from my fall last summer. I'll have to be careful.

But really, would it make a difference if I did it?

Four things

2011-02-01T11:55:00.002-05:00

1) I am so over the snow. Really. Donity done done DONE. We're having a storm every week to 10 days, and usually severe enough that I end up staying home. I narrowly missed having to take a third snow day this month because I had plans to stay over a LaMama's. On top of that, MetroNorth is falling apart. I've been more than 15 minutes late 6 times this month. This morning we coasted into GCT half an hour late, no heat, no lights, and much pleading for passengers to not lean on the doors. When I got to the office the MTA website was claiming "good service". Liers. I'm afraid if this keeps up much longer I'm going to need to switch to an earlier train, the 6:56, just to make it to work on time regularly. Fortunately, the office hasn't made an issue of the lateness yet.

2) We had friends over for dinner on Sunday, and I spent the weekend cooking. It was great. I made lamb tagine with couscous for us on Saturday, and cioppino, a salad of roast acorn squash and spinach, and a orange olive oil cake for our friends on Sunday. I've missed my own cooking, and I cook good.

3) My face is exploding. First it was, I'm assuming perimenapause related, hormonal outbreaks, and now I've got something crusty and weepy going on, with red irritated areas. I can't decide if it's just an alergic reaction to my zit stick (quite possible given the placement), some sort of staph infection, or a recurrence of my long dormant facial herpes (I really hope not, but as it's on the wrong side of my face, probably not). It's itchy and uncomfortable, and I'm not sure what to tell my sweety. It's making me feel super gross, just what I need.

4) I'm so sick of the weather, I'm actually contemplating getting on a plane and heading somewhere sunny. Vegas packages look doable at the end of this month or mid-March (for the sweetie's b'day). We'll see.

Picket Fence, Ahoy!

2011-01-10T15:30:00.004-05:00

Last night my beloved was killing time by looking at real estate listings in our area and I started to get a queazy feeling of taking on more than we could handle. He'd remembered that Yale has a program to help employees and grad students buy in the neighborhood, and thus help the 'hood gentrify. While the extra help would be great, I'm sitting there, la la la lah can't hear you fighting the queazy.

But today, I get on realtor.com and start checking things out. We could, and I'm being purposefully conservative, afford something in the under $150,000 range with a 15-year fixed mortgage, and the 5% down payment isn't beyond our ability to save in the next 18 months or so. It wouldn't be a palace, but it'd be ours and maybe have a patio or patch of yard where I could have a small garden, AND be inexpensive enough that I shouldn't be locked into my NYC job forever. We could build some equity towards the more rural property we eventually want after George retires from Yale. Property tax might sink the plan, but it's worth continuing to get ducks in a row and start the research.

Meanwhile, I've socked a chunk of my bonus into savings and made an extra payment to my overdraft account. I should have the next target credit card paid off by my birthday and the rest of the non-student loan debt cleared by early 2012, while continuing to build my emergency fund. Keep at it duckies.

And again?

2011-01-03T16:29:00.002-05:00

Another old classmate has surfaced, this time a girl I hung out with in 5th grade . . . during that inevitable witchy stage that all outsider tweens go through. Though it looks like she never quite got over it. G tells me that she's a nice person as an adult, and married to a nice person that I've met, so mazeltov. I don't see us being besties as adults though.

Onward, I stepped on the scale this morning as was horrified. The extra puffy feeling I've been having correlates with an increase in the poundage. While I'm still convinced Diets Are A Bad Idea, I keep feeling the need to do SOMETHING, if only to ensure that I don't have to buy new pants. And I can't help thinking that dropping some weight would help this knee that seems to be chronically complaining, and the hints of asthma that may or may not be related to lingering post nasal crud. But really, portion size, get a little movement daily. Something. Doing the low carb thing is impossible in my current situation.

I've ordered a Kindle to facilitate on train reading. Merry xmas to me! I've also ordered a trio of self-help books from Amazon's bargain bin of the What To Do With The Rest of Your Life variety. Maybe one will spark something. I keep saying that right now I'm getting my ducks in a row to be open to opportunity, but it's kinda rough when your actions are to keep chugging along with what you've been doing. I need something fresh. That said, first pass on taxes is done and I should be getting a refund. Adding that to the savings and things will look quite healthy. I should have the next credit card paid off by my birthday and the rest of them done by early next year. That, my friends, does not suck. Then I'll have the student loan to deal with, but that almost doesn't count after kicking the hell out of Chase and Bank of America. Zero credit card debt and a 3+ months of expenses saved is a pretty good place to be these days. As rough as the commute is, it's tempting to stick it out here until G retires to build up my nest egg.

Mr. Peabody's Way Back Machine

2010-12-06T10:55:00.005-05:00

So, there I am, sitting at an SCA event, enjoying the sound of a recorder consort up in the gallery, minding my own business, when a bunch of folks from the Boston area sit down at the same table to eat their lunch. We do introductions. And the gent to the left of me mentions that he also grew up in NYC. Now, I've been thinking that this fellow looks familiar, but at an SCA event that's no guaranty that you know the person. But, with this extra piece of info I'm pretty sure that we were schoolmates and friends in 7th and 8th grade. Spot on.

We didn't have an opportunity to catch up, so I slipped him a calling card I had left in my bag from Pennsic and am waiting to hear from via email. Given that this is the person that introduced me to D&D, I am completely unsurprised that he landed in the SCA. I'm extremely bemused to meet someone I knew before I was fully a person at this point in my life where I'm in the intermezzo between the second and third acts (or possibly the third and fourth if this is a French opera).

I will not

2010-12-02T11:43:00.004-05:00

Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Diets don't work.

Of course there's a difference between Not Eating Crap and Dieting. HOWEVER, I'm just doing a little mental cleaning with the onset of holiday indulgence guilt and the incipient barage of New Years resolution diet barage. SO much diet talk in the air. And I read in the NY Times today that Allergan in trying to get the threashold BMI for lapband surgery lowered. Evidently, I'm currently way over the threshold, which I find appalling (not that I'm that big, but that the threshold is so low), but the new threshold would be around what I'd consider a goal weight ... IF I were dieting. Which I'm not.

In other news, my knee is still giving me issues. Some of it feels related to tight hamstrings, but the periodic swelling is a mystery. I may get some accupuncture to see if that helps. Couldn't hoit!

A prophet has no honor in his own country

2010-09-21T11:55:00.002-04:00

I'm a dyed in the wool agnostic. I see organized religion as humanity's attempt to codify a way of living that boils down to "be excellent to each other". I don't think there's an divine intellegence available for intercession or actively guiding us. On the other hand, I waffle on the self-determination vs. destiny line. I'm not above throwing things to fate. I think there may be lingering personal energy when someone dies, some spots do seem to have a vibe, but the rationalist side of my brain dismisses conversations in which people claim to have had spiritual encounters. Ordinarly I wouldn't care what people think, but my boyfriend fancies himself a sensitive and a messenger, and I don't know what to do with that.

Usually, I do a pretty good job of ignoring it and finding other interpretations when he has a particularly disturbing dream. I remember wishing, like many outsider kids, that I had psychic powers like those kids from Witch Mountain or something, but when faced with the possibilitiy in others, I scoff. This past weekend we went to see an exhbit of artifacts from the Titanic. I found myself being a bit teary as we started, which I attributed to the mood lighting and background sound around the first few items. My boyfriend, completely watery, turns to me and says "there's a lot of energy in this room". Is he just a sucker for their manipulations, or is there something to what he says, and I was feeling it too?

2010-09-20T13:59:00.004-04:00

It's official. The position at Yale was filled. It looks to me like they redefined the position and probably filled it internally. I was in a very black mood on Friday when I found out, but the weekend helped.

I was very succesful in finding $2/yard fabric for my new garb. Dark blue instead of black velveteen, but I'm not going to quibble. Plus dark blue looks better on me. Best thing about the new garb is it should fit even if I gain or lose some weight. Let's hear it for A-line dresses.

I realized that the leaves on the herald's rendering of my device are entirely wrong. It looks like they took art for a thistle and modified it for pomegranites. Whatevs, I can do it the right way when I use it. It does mean that the little blackwork patch I did this summer is good.

As a hostess gift this weekend, I made super cute baby socks for Gilbert out of left over self patterning yarn. There's probably enough left for a pair for Gabrielle. I love that all the babies in my life right now are super good natured kids.

I've gotten some joint-health supplements, which seemed to help the last time I had a bad sprain. We'll see if they help this time.

I've got 10 refills on my BP meds. Time to accept that I'm going to be dealing with the commute for quite a bit longer, and try and take some positive steps to improve my health, working with the current schedule.

2010-09-17T14:16:00.003-04:00

It's wrong. Really. I know it is. But sometimes I read weightloss blogs just so I can see when the diet stops working and the blogger gains weight again. Many bloggers will just disappear when they rebound, but some will keep doggedly on, and others will finally Get A Clue and realize their problem isn't on their hips it's in their heads (and in a culture that prizes thinness over actual health). My little dose of shadnefreude.

OTOH, I'm having the Back To School urge to overhaul something in my life and habit is bringing me back to my capacious keister. There is a difference between dieting and not eating like crap, yo. Time to straighten up and fly right for a while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6Ql1Nw5Qnc

2010-09-16T11:26:00.002-04:00

Well then, summer got away from me there.

1) I applied for a job at Ivy League University, but two months has elapsed and their application widget shows absolutely no movement: the position is still theoretically open, but they've done nothing with my application. A follow-up email got no meaningful response.

2) The commute is wearing me down a bit more these days, but I still feel like it's important for me to have job security when G. is still up in the air. He has the potential of a 2 year position, but there's nothing set yet.

3) I'm letting go of the Sing Thing in NY. Certain special snowflakes were taking all the fun out of it for me, and I have very little interest in actually performing these days. I also passed on my temple gig this year. What free time I have these days I want to spend on my own projects and with G. It's important to feel satisfaction about something in your life.

4) I'm feeling the need for a project of some sort to pass the down time at the office. Blog reading isn't doing it for me. I need something a bit more generative. Of course I could always find a job that gave me that, but in this market ...

5) I'd found a doctor in CT that suited me, but it seems he's retiring. Poop. At least we got my BP meds mostly figured out and I can give the office visits a rest for a while. Which reminds me, I should make an appointment for the ladydoc. They've changed our insurance to include a deductable. Because of the timing we've got one deductable for the rest of 2010, and another for 2011. I won't be going to a doctor until 2011.

6) Doctor E and I agreed that I was in good enough shape to terminate regular sessions. I have the option of going back if I need a tune up or if circumstances change. I'm feeling pretty good about that.

7) I need to register to vote in CT, but part of me is hesitating because I don't want to go through changing my liscence and possibly being called to jury duty.

8) I have many crafty projects I'd like to work on ... need more free time.

9) Whilst on vacation I twisted an ankle and fell hard on a knee. The ankle is mostly better, but the knee is still touchy, a tad swollen, sometimes sore. I'm unsure what to do other than RICE, and giving it time.

10) This fall is much more pleasant than last. We're spending free time doing fun things rather than packing and moving. I don't want to move again for a good long time.

2010-04-29T11:44:00.002-04:00

I love me some American Idol, though this year I’m only watching the performances online and sparing myself the pointless nattering of the judges. This year the clear leader of the pack is Crystal Bowersox. A friend sent me a youtube of one of her original songs with the warning to watch it when I was alone (his version of a trigger warning I suppose), and then wanted to know my reaction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eICsQLPgI2k

Great song. POWERFUL song. Much better than her other compositions I’d heard on line. And yes, the song portrays a woman who is pissed as hell at her father (with reason) and I felt a small twinge of identification, but really that was it.

Guess I’m not so angry anymore. Or the anger isn’t unexpressed and I now have agency in the relationship. Therapy. It works.

facebook flashback

2010-04-27T14:54:00.003-04:00

Today one of my facebook friend suggestions was a coach I worked with during my doctoral studies. I counted him as one of my few good friends out in Oregon, and I've always been curious about where he ended up and admired his talent. Here's the thing. When I divorced my ex he got custody of Oregon and our Oregon friends. I haven't heard from most of them since shortly after I filed for divorce. Who knows what they think of me, and do I really care? There's one version of the story that I'm pretty sure goes: "lived off of him until getting her degree then dumped him flat and ran away to NYC where she didn't become an international opera star, serves her right".

I remember my coach IMing me early in the proceedings and saying that our marital issues were basically the stress of the distance (we were an LDR for a bit then) and financial pressures. The distance let me see what was wrong with my marriage. There were some financial issues, but really, our problem was that we never learned how to talk things through or argue as a couple and I suspect our sexual wiring was basically incompatible. I was the default decider, and then he resented my decisions but couldn't shake off his passivity to take a stand for what he wanted (except in the final argument that split us up).

So anyway, I checked out my coach's friends list and there were all my classmates from U of O. And my ex. And yes. I facebook-stalked my ex. It looks like he's back in school (good for him!), possibly out of work (given the economy in OR, I'm not surprised), and still misspelling things right and left. And some of the very people I'd be most interested in reconnecting with are on the ex's friends list and are recent commenters on his wall.

So here's the question ... how much do I want to reconnect with these people? Is it worth opening the can of worms? I've been a friend that's been dumped in the process of a break-up and it kinda sucks ... but on the other hand I would like to know that my friend is doing well. Will they want to know that I'm doing well, or am I persona non grata? Do I want to know? I'm going to sit on this a bit.

More Bites

2010-04-26T13:08:00.002-04:00

George & I have gotten to the point in the civilizing of the apartment that it's safe to have (not too fastidious) weekend guests. I'm enjoying that quite a bit as it's socializing that I don't have to travel for. We've offered crash space to two sets of SCA friends, and I've got my cooking ladies and my mother coming up from the city next month, and one of my gay boyfriends will be up in June. I'll be ignoring the big pile of catering equipment in the corner of the dining room and the continuing dissaray of the bedroom. I'm hoping more guests will spur a little more action on those fronts.

We've successfully absconded with much furniture from my father's place. Many chairs (club, chippendale, etc.) a low bureau that I'm using as a dressing table, a desk for George, an oriental rug from my grandparent's house. George's sister passed on a queen matress and box spring that we'll be putting into our bedroom as soon as things are cleared enough. So we're pretty much set for furniture for now. Eventually I'd like to upgrade the dining room table, but for now we're good. I've started pondering curtains for the living room, and something to recover the chippendale seats (one has some staining).

On other topics:

Whole Foods, why do you pack a non-fat dressing with your lovely lunch salad? It tastes okay, but the xanthan gum makes it alarmingly gloppy.

Lane Bryant got their lingerie ad pulled for (maybe) being too sexy. I have a theory about non-model thin women showing skin. We are so used to seeing the idealized advertising image that I don't think bareness even registers as naked skin anymore. It's when we see what we're not used to (plus size models) that it becomes transgressive again. This relates to the discussion over on BFD about the film City Island, where a character has a thing for the fat lady next door: http://www.bfdblog.com/2010/04/21/film-gives-teen-secret-crush-on-the-fat-woman-next-door/. LB may be making a thing of nothing to get some publicity boost, but whatever, I'm going to buy some underwear tonight.

I'm rereading Animal Vegetable Miracle and pining for my own garden. My windowsill efforts aren't doing so well. I'm on my 3rd rosemary attempt (having killed seedlings and the first bought start), and other than the parsley, the first round of seeds have fizzled. I still have hope. I'm also still getting into the swing of having to water them. I have made a date with mom to do some cheese making, finally. Mozzarella for sure so we'll have something we can eat immediately, and probably one or two other longer term items.

I played with apples all weekend making a pie on Saturday and a jar of apple butter on Sunday. Home Ec as therapy. Don't knock it.

Value Meals

2010-03-26T11:53:00.004-04:00

Over on my other blog I had an excellent rant about advertising to children, but the cut & paste thing doesn't seem to work. http://sarahbyrdd.livejournal.com/68601.html

Then, totally by coincidence I noticed conversation over here that's similar to the one which occurred in my coments:
http://manolobig.com/2010/03/24/the-big-question-finger-on-the-trigger-edition/

And finally, the editors at the Times are opening a discussion of the push for nation wide weight loss: http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/25/better-ways-to-help-the-public-lose-weight/

And dammit! Screaming Meme is the third commenter on the post, and until she starts in with the fat shame and ew aren't fat bodies gross, she's actually making some sense. I hate it when I can't just dismiss everything she says out of hand. I get where she's coming from about needing to "survive abundance", I agree that there needs to be better access to wholesome food and exercise all around ... but can't we do that without demonizing a hefty portion of the populace? okthnksbi

Bites

2010-03-03T14:22:00.004-05:00

~I'm still letting the silver show amongst the gold, though, like an itch that needs scratching, I keep thinking of getting another box of 28-day hair color to blur the edges from the last permanent color.

~George informs me that our friendly neigborhood farm is laying on chickens and also has rabbits. This might mean fresh eggs as well as pastured chicken and rabbit meat. Also, we may get to be in on one of the chicken slaughter days. I'm tenatively up for this. Back in my days at Camp Tree Tops I opted to work in the garden on the slaughter day, but now I think I could hack it... so to speak.

~I've started monitoring my BP daily again. It's not awful, but I'm sure the doc will say it could be better. I also need to find a GP up in CT so I don't have to come to the city for a 15 minute office visit.

~This is the best discussion of the challenges of weight loss I've seen in a while:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/01/in-obesity-epidemic-whats-one-cookie/?ref=health

~This is the rejection of vajazzling that I wish I'd written: http://manolobig.com/2010/03/03/your-secret-garden-does-not-need-disco-lights/

Saying no to the Kool-Aide of Youth

2010-02-19T13:35:00.002-05:00

Again the folks over at BFD give me food for thought: "So on the one hand, I'm turning to you for advice: how do I grow older gracefully? ... Where does one draw the lin in the quest to extend one's youth? How old are you, and how do you feel about it? Do you accept your age, or do you rage, rge against the dying of the light."

I long ago decided there will be no knives or injections in my life. Not to get slimmer, nor to look younger. After I got out of performing it's been slowly sinking in that I don't need to drink their Kool-Aide of Youth. I'm growing out my highlights and letting the silver amongst the gold do it's own thing. I've used sunscreen daily since my 20s, and I do moisturize, exfoliate and use a gentile cleanser (I'm liking the Philosophy stuff I got last month). I'm revamping my makeup (when I wear it) because my old standbys have started looking wrong on my face (nothing with too much shimmer works anymore, and I've had to swap black-brown mascara for the black). I'm following trends even less than I used to, I'm permitting myself to spend a little more on clothes, and the term "investment piece" is making lots of sense to me these days. I take vitamins, drink water. I (try to) do yoga to maintain flexibility and strength so I can still walk when I'm 65, for goodness sake (mom's sciatica is quite the object lesson).

Here's what's not peachy. I'm approaching 44, and it's feeling harder than last year. I'm dealing with aging and infirm parents, which is bound to make you feel like a grown up if not actually old. Plus, I've seeing evidence that my cycle is starting to change: hello perimenopause! On the one hand I'm pretty okay with the no kids thing, which I had to be pretty sure of when I started dating George as he'd already been a step-parent and wasn't keen to pass on his health problems to another generation. On the other hand, now that biology is chiming in and saying TOO LATE, I'm struggling. I mean, I'm still paying off my grad-school debt .. how can I be old enough to completely rule out kids? And seriously, if my eggs have reached their sell by date, can't we just get to the part where I don't have to suffer through a period every month?

My life is much more together than it used to be, but I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!

I'm giggling

2010-02-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

Really. About paying the bills.

We did our end/begining of the month accounting and my household expenses, even with the commute, are less than they were in NYC. All hail the lower cost of living and splitting expenses with a partner. I got frisky and sent off the final payment on the EVIL CHASE CARD in the first half of the month. I can't wait to sign on to the site and see a zero balance. It'll be interesting to see what they do to my credit limit and APR when it's paid off.

Progress!

2010-01-25T14:52:00.003-05:00

My net worth is improving! It's above ($30,000) for the first time since I began tracking, and my retirement account, now in an annuity, has recovered most of what it lost when the market tanked. I'm going to pay off the evil Chase card next month. There will be MUCH rejoicing. Then I'll pay off my other Chase account by the summer and be done with them forever and always. Bastards.

On the down side, several of my accounts are decreasing my credit limits to mirror the amounts I've been paying them down, so my debt to credit ratio is all fucked up, and most of the credit buffer I have is in an account I no longer use ... so I can do better with that. But I still look to be on track to clear everything but my student loans by the time I'm 45, so I'm good with that.

Two months into being a full time CT resident, I'm enjoying the financial benefits of not dealing with NYC city tax and prices for every little thing. I'm making progress on my debt without being too grinchy about spending money. Having George pack lunch for me most days is certainly helping my bottom line, if not my bottom, and I still have the occassional NYC evening with friends to keep from feeling too restricted. Having made it past the holidays, George and I haven't been eating out much at all. We're enjoying being homebodies and entertaining in our own place. I'll be curious to see what the food receipts tally to in January.

This weekend I got the last big push of moving in chores done and sorted my bureau. Now I can actually find all my clothes. In the process, I tossed several more items on the Goodwill pile. I also got starter medium, seeds and pots for our kitchen window herb garden. It's nice to be graduating from "moving in" projects to quality of life projects.

Other than buying a bunch of new clothes, I also invested in a trial kit of Philosophy's aging skin care line. A week in, I'm pretty sure I'm noticing a difference in the texture of my skin. I haven't dug into the eye cream sample yet, but I'll be curious to see if it does anything to mitigate the circles. All in all, I'm taking more care with my grooming and it's paying off in my mood.

No progress on the yoga front over the weekend. Not entirely true. I did some stretches Saturday night when I was having a bout of insomnia. I think they helped a bit.

2010-01-22T11:48:00.002-05:00

My BMI is now over 40. OMG teh deathfat! Have I been careless and gaining so that I'd reach this point and have a justification for dieting? Maybe. OTOH, dieting still sounds like a really bad idea. I keep remembering a Gray's Anatomy episode where Meredith knicked the heart of her patient with a fingernail during surgery which caused a cascade of complications resulting in the patient's death. In a normal healthy woman the knick shouldn't have been much of a problem, but it's later revealed that the woman had been obese and had recently dieted down to a "healthy" weight, which caused loss of muscle mass everywhere, including her heart, which was so weakend it couldn't bounce back from a knick.

So screw the weight. Focus on being healthy. I am not currently healthy. I need to up my fitness levels. Something I've read in the past few days suggested that most disease (and aging)was basically parts failure. How do you keep your parts in good order? Eat well, sleep well and move your body. Do activities that get your blood pumping, promote flexibility and sluice around your lymph (hello yoga). I did some stretching last night and when I flipped from my back to my stomach, I swear I felt that stuff oozing towards the ground. I suspect keeping the lymph moving is more important that we realize.

On the up side, my BP was in acceptable range this morning. I don't know if that's the higer dosage of medication kicking in or the diuretic effect of all the cellery in last night's soup and the pepermint tea. We'll see.

School Lunch & the state of things

2010-01-21T13:07:00.004-05:00

This blog is facinating: http://fedupwithschoollunch.blogspot.com/

See also interview with Mrs. Q: http://smallbites.andybellatti.com/?p=4806

Meanwhile on Food Politics, Marion Nestle oversimplifies the childhood obesity "crisis" by referencing two New York Times articles. http://www.foodpolitics.com/2010/01/childhood-obesity-explained/. I'm not saying that kids don't suffer from too many sedentary activities and their eating habits aren't systemically screwed ... But, there's IS more to the equation than calories in vs. calories burned.

I'm getting the sinking feeling we're a nation of eating disorders. Even though only the most extreme cases garner attention, if your relationship with food is disordered does it matter that you only eat "normal" amounts or maintain a normal weight?

Also, I'm pondering once you have gained and maintained a weight deemed to be "overweight" or "obese", given that calorie restriction (diet) seldom works and yo-yo dieting (not to mention gastric mutilation) may be more harmful that the weight itself, once it's there are you stuck with it? Forever and always?

I'm still resisting the knee jerk January reaction to flagelate myself with a diet, and I catch myself appraising my mirror image with "not bad, but you need to lose weight". And there are things about this current weight that I don't like that go beyond aesthetics, like restriction of movement. I know the answer is to chuck the scale and just keep moving my body with walking and yoga so that things will feel better.

I'm taking positive steps to improve my self-image: all the pretty new clothes I gifted myself with after the move are helping. I'm wearing make-up more often, and revamping my skin care. I think the alpha-hydroxy in my old cleanser was bleaching out my eyebrows!

I'm also pondering shoes. Especially in winter, I'm defaulting to Dansko clogs or running shoes. I need something just a tad more stylish and feminine that will still allow me to walk to and from the train station without flaring my plantar fasciitis.

2010-01-06T13:56:00.003-05:00

Monday I did a short restorative routine off the Yoga For Relaxation disc. One of the things that yoga purports to do for you is to stir up your lymph and get it circulating around your body rather than just stagnating collecting junk and not filtering it out. My lymph is beyond stagnant, I think it's ossified! The routine is good breathing in supported cobblers, heart opener, legs up the wall and shavasana. I'm telling you, by the time we got to legs up the wall I felt like I was swimming in goo. This used to be one of my favorite poses, now it's almost challenging to keep relaxed while I feel like there's pressure building. I suppose, as an inversion, I could be having an adverse reaction because of my blood pressure, but still. Yuck. I will persever though, and things will get better.

When I get home tonight I'll do another short routine to keep things circulating and looser.
I will also start to track my blood pressure again. Poop.

In other news, I gave myself a reward for still having a job/bonus/tiny raise and ordered a bunch of clothing from J. Jill, including an absolutely yummy cashmere cardigan. It's a happy garment, it purrs contentedly when I wear it. I'm enjoying the extra cash I'm getting by not paying NYC income tax plus the lower cost of living outside the city. I'll throw more of it at debt soon, but a little enjoyment is in order after a year+ of scrimping.

Got back on the yoga train, and feel like I was dragged by it.

2010-01-04T15:04:00.003-05:00

Sunday I finally finished getting my yoga space setup/cleared and did one round of Gaiam's Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss. This DVD is a 40 minute basic hatha routine that focuses on core and leg strength and flexability. A good place to start. I completed the DVD with few issues, though I did modify heavily, doing only the first level of each pose, substituting cat/cow for leg lifts, using a block for bridge and hanging out in childs pose here and there. I'm satisfied with round 1. Between the lack of activity, practice, and the cold/cough I had for over a month, things were very creaky, my intercostals feel tight and I couldn't sit with my legs curled to one side at all. Plus, I felt sluggish most of the rest of the day and a tension/sore muscle headache in my shoulders and neck overnight. I think lots of junk was getting squeezed out of my system.

My plan is to alternate this DVD with restorative routines from another DVD until I'm feeling both stronger and more flexible. The real challenge will be to find the time/energy to practice during the week, and not just leave it for the weekends. Time to practice has been an issue since I started commuting weekends for my love life, and now that I'm a 5-day commuter, it's even worse in some ways, though I am doing research into weekend classes in my new area.

Hopefully, I'll do a little restorative tonight to shake off the train and get ready for bed.

Be excellent to yourself

2009-12-28T15:28:00.002-05:00

I've been thrashing around for the past couple of weeks, being dissatisfied with my body, being susceptible to the onslaught of diet advertising and programming for the holidays and resolutions.

Upside, while 5lbs. above my former top weight, I've been stable for the past several months, even through the holidays. I'm getting better about honoring internal cues for hunger rather than external ones. The move is complete, so that stress has passed. I got an excellent review at work, so that stress is mitigated. GP loves me no matter the size of my ass.

The best resolution is to be excellent to myself. Make choices that support me. More sleep. More exercise. Keep paying down debt. Don't flagellate myself. Don't wear sackcloth. Make sure I feel put-together and cute as much as possible, except when I don't want to.

Form long term goals. Enjoy today. Plan for tomorrow.

T minus 5 days

2009-11-16T15:45:00.002-05:00

Progress is being made.

I've been road testing the commute from New Haven, and I have to say it isn't horrible. It takes me about 2.5 hours door to door, however, within that time there's a 1 mile walk and 1:40 to sit and read/knit/listen to music/nap ... it could be a lot worse. I'm getting my needed quiet time and some consistent exercise. Also, I'm more reliably on time to the office because, well, MetroNorth manages to do a slightly better job than the MTA. Go figure.

The Roommate is mostly out of the apartment ... over two weeks late ... Rumor has it the last of her things should be out of the apartment proper by tomorrow. I'm frustrated that I didn't have a chance to do some pre-furniture move cleaning, but what can ya do. I left GP with a long honeydo list, which he's actually looking forward to.

I'm going to have an emergency houseguest for an unspecified amount of time, so tonight I'm swiching my gears and doing some cleaning that I was going to put off until after the furniture was out. Dust hedgehogs will be evicted, the stove will be cleaned ... and the bathroom. yeegh. I really am a fairly fastidious person, but I've been in NYC so little over the past several weeks (months) that I've been letting things slide.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to being settled up in CT, and celebrating christmas with GP. We're both enjoying the other's elfiness. A real tree, buying a yearly ornament together, advent calendar, music, holiday movies, guests. I really can't think of a better way to dive in to celebrating our lives together.

2009-07-13T15:11:00.002-04:00

Over at Manolo For The Big Girl, Plumcake asked:

If you grew up with familial food issues, how have you addressed them? If you’ve triumphed, let me hear it. If you’re still a work in progress like I am, tell me about that too.

I answered:

It’s a process. I’ve recognized self-soothing with food, secret eating, and the “fantasy of being thin” as things I’ve learned from my mother. I’ve kicked the good and bad food idea to the curb, and dissallowed the idea of “diets”, and I feel pretty good about that. I am much less likely to binge, though a bit of rewarding with food still goes on, but a pint is no longer a single serving of ice cream. The unfortunate thing is that my schedule and stress levels became overwhelming at about the same time as I gave up restricting my eating, and the walking and yoga I was doing regularly also got put on hold. As a result I’ve been gaining an uncomfortable amount of weight, and now match my pre-divorce highest weight ever.

Right now I’m fighting the urge to beat myself up with a diet, because I know it will 1) just make me cranky and insecure, 2) won’t work, and 3) will probably result in my gaining even more weight in the long run.

This past weekend we did a drive by visit of my father. The visit was mostly painless, though dad is still drinking, still can't walk worth a damn, and seemed to be prickly about spending too much time with us. I attribute the last to 1) wanting to drink more than he thought I'd be able to keep quiet about, 2) at the end of the evening, he'd miscalculated and pissed himself getting out of his seat at the concert hall ... and I'm sure was mortified and wanted to beat a hasty retreat.

The thing that shocked me was that he mentioned concern about my increasing weight to my boyfriend. Not to me. To my boyfriend. My father, Mr. Always Been Overweight, advocate for enjoying food, saw fit to mention my weight to my boyfriend. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to take away from that. I suppose he's concerned, though really, I wish he had expressed concern for my debt level rather than my waistline.

On the happy side, there was no moralizing about the news that the boyfriend and I will be moving in together. Though, evidently, while I was out of the room (in the same conversation where my weight came up) my wonderful boyfriend expressed his honorable intentions by asking my father's permission to propose (just in case we feel like doing the marriage thing in the future). So sweet. I was super touched by the gesture. My boyfriend is the best.

Thanks for everything, Dad.

2009-06-18T11:50:00.003-04:00

I saw this in the NY Times today:

“This is a dilemma,” Professor Silverstein agreed. “But we did find some evidence, when we turned the clock ahead 30 years, that children who had received more resources provided, in turn, more social support later to older parents.”
In other words, children whose parents support them longer — both emotionally and financially — are more likely to return the courtesy in later years.
“There’s some evidence, even, that parents who give their children money even when they’re in the 20s will end up with kids who are more supportive of them in old age,” he said.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/18/fashion/18spy.html?ref=fashion

Guess you didn't think about that, didja, Dad.

To be fair, I got $20K from him when I was 20 (back child support that he'd stopped paying when I went to college plus some he withheld during high school for various reasons that mom sued him for), but I was told that that was it. There was no more help here. I paid for all my college incidentals, including a summer program in Italy, plus my first year of graduate school with that money. And somehow I was still made to feel like a spendthrift when I needed help with the second year out in MI. After that last infusion, there was indeed no more help there. No help with a car (first car a hand me down from my in-laws). No contribution to the house down payment (in-laws again). And by the way, the in-laws seemed to be in not nearly as good shape financially as my father. Plus, we never asked them for help, they offered.

And he shorted us on what he said he pay towards the wedding.

Thank goodness we'd counted on getting nothing from him and planned very frugally (though he and Mimi still thought it was a big elaborate do).

Of course, the emotional support was never there and the financial support was the only thing I could begin to count on in the years between my parents' divorce and my second year of college. I'll admit that there are people who had a much harder time. I didn't have to do workstudy in college, and he did pay my tuition (as mandated by the divorce agreement).

I did however, unlike many of my peers, work every summer from age 14 on. That summer I spent in Italy was the only summer during my school years that I didn't work as much as possible. Otherwise, summer vacation was never a vacation. I suppose I could be charitable and say that I was given a work ethic and independence, but really, that doesn't fly for me.

My father took vacation trips to Mexico and had a country house and a boat. My mother and I took one vacation trip (when they were first divorced) that I remember, and never had organized stay-cation time.

My maybe future in-laws have already offered to pay the way for my beau and I to join them on a cruise in a few years in celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary. The difference in family spirit and generosity is hard for me to wrap my head around. I remember my parents taking trips/vacations with my father's parents, though I don't know how the bill was split up. When I was married, I remember suggestions that my ex and I join them for a Mexico trip, but we never could afford it, and there was no clear offer from Dad that he'd foot the bill (not that we could count on it).

I don't mean to come off sounding like a whiny entitled brat. I'm fixated on the money issue because emotional support was never there. The money was the only thing that gave me a sense that he cared or felt responsible or concerned or interested.

So anyway, thanks Dad, for doing what you were mandated by the court to do. I know some kids don't even get that.

2009-06-08T19:06:00.002-04:00

Dad called this afternoon with the dates of the local summer music festival. When I first got back to this coast I would take the whole week off and go up for the whole festival. It was a reasonably painless way to get some bonding time in with my father, and the music at the festival was generally pretty good. I was also still trying to have a performance career, so I enjoyed the opportunity to schmooze with the musicians. As the situation with the 'rents deteriorated I spent less and less of the week there.

Last year I lied and said that I couldn't get that week off from the office and just went up for the weekend. I recall that weekend being horribly uncomfortable and upsetting. I'd really prefer not to go at all.

Except for the guilt.

As a compromise, I can see going for the weekend with the boyfriend as a buffer and staying overnight at a friend's house rather than staying with Dad, but I'm at a loss for how to present that without being hurtful. I still don't quite have it in me to say, "Dad if you're drinking, I'm not coming," and then walk out if he's soused when I get there.

I'm also in a quandry as to what to do about Thanksgiving this year. For the past several years I've been celebrating with my mother and friends, but the idea of my father alone or just with my cousin isn't sitting well with me. OTOH, I do not want to be in a situation where I'm watching my father drink, or enabling his drinking just by being there to chauffer him around and call 911 if he takes a header down the stairs.

Of course, in both cases, he could very well be back in the hospital/nursing home by then.

I hate that I can't look forward to time with my father.
I hate that I have so few good memories of him.
I hate that as far as I remember he never defended me when his wife was being cruel.
I hate that he drinks and fades into a stupor while he's trying to avoid conflict and life.
I hate that I haven't been able to rely on him.
I hate that he's never been there for the upsets and few of the triumphs in my life.
I'm pissed that I went to him when I was in financial trouble and he told me I was on my own.
I'm pissed that he's never subsequently asked how I was handling that trouble.
I'm pissed that he never came to the West Coast for any of my performances, or even for a visit.
I'm pissed that he'd rather drink than have health and a relationship with his daughter.
I hate that it hurts me when I'm angry with him, and that I protect him from my anger.

Yoga Butterflies

2009-06-08T14:42:00.003-04:00

This weekend I finally got the bright idea of bringing a yoga mat, strap and DVD up to my boyfriend's place, to have on hand up there so I can do some yoga on the weekends if the mood strikes. Happily I had about an hour on Saturday morning to give my new DVD a whirl: Yoga for Stress Relief (With The Dalai Lama) . The routines thus far seem to built on restorative poses. My only criticim is that the flow between the poses is a tad awkward, but as the poses are held for 3+ minutes, this is a minor complaint. There are a number of routines of various lengths that you can stack up to build a practice that works for you.

I did the Slow Wake Up and Relaxation routines back to back. They were mostly breath focused, and as I was doing them I realized just how tightly wound I'd gotten. I got that fluttery feeling in my diaphragm as things slowly unclenched, and spent a good 15 minutes when I was done snuggling with the boyfriend as I let go of all the pent-ups that were swirling about.

I remember this feeling from starting yoga, and from restarting after long absences ... the only difference is that previously I was too invested in beating myself up to recognize what was happening, and I thought it was just me being confronted by my lack of skill, athleticsm, how far I'd back-slid or what have you. This time it was just a letting go of the things that had caused me to clench in the first place. I plan to keep up this gentle restorative practice until I feel ready to take on something more strenuous.

yo.............yo

2009-06-03T13:56:00.002-04:00

This morning, as is my wont in the first week or so of the month, I stepped on the scale. Shortly there after my head exploded.

Lemme 'splain: it took seven years, but I now weigh the same as I did back in graduate school when I started my last deadly serious bout of self-punishing diet and exercise. The exercise was great, but obsessive to off-set my obsessive eating and obsessive studying for comps. The diet part happened when I moved back to NYC and could only afford beans, PB&J, and the occassional half a hamburger (half saved for later) out with friends. And oy! The Stress! The following 5 years were spent developing even worse diet habits, endowing my weight with all sorts of meaning, trashing my self-esteme, and yo-yo-ing back about 30 of the 50+ pounds I'd initially lost.

Two years ago I gave up diets, which don't work anyway, and worked on being happy wherever I was. I was refusing to participate in the Diet Industry which has no vested interest in actually helping you lose and keep off weight, and every interest in making you feel bad about yourself and making you pay for the privilege.

The happy part is working. Really it is. I've got all sorts of serious stressors going on in my life right now that bring me down, but the real fundamental stuff is good. I'm supporting myself, paying down debt, have a man that is supportive who I love dearly, with whom I'm building a future. There are still things that need work, but the basics are good.

The bad part of having divorced the Diet Industry is that I also stopped exercising. I had been going to yoga 3-4 times a week, and practicing at home quite a bit too. I would go to the gym for the lifecycle (which didn't aggrivate my plantar fasciitis), or sometimes go for long walks or walk home (which did aggrivate it). Also, the last summer of diets I was dating a Serious Hiker, who took me out to the woods every weekend, which was fabulous, but with out Serious Hiker to plan the excursions and drive there, I wasn't motivated enough to do it on my own.

*sigh*

So here's the thing. I finally got Linda Bacon's book, plus "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" and am renewed in my fervor that Diets Don't Work and my body will balance out eventually, and I will start to move again for the pleasure of it. But. I don't like that number on the scale. And. Right now my body would much rather go home and go to bed than do yoga or go for a walk. And, while I'm emotionally okay with (not judging) how I've been eating, I'm not okay with the lack of exercise. I'm getting all judgy with myself. And that is Not Good. And my head is exploding because of a number on the scale (and many of my clothes not fitting properly).

*sigh*

yo-freakin'-yo

Making lemonade

2009-05-21T13:50:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I got the news that George's position at work is being eliminated, and that they've found him another position in the circulation department but it will require that he work weekends during the school year. I'm thrilled that he dodged the bullet and still has a job, but working weekends? Excuse me? What about MEEEEEEEEE!?!

I was traveling down all sorts of depressing mental avenues along the lines of: I'm up rooting my life and he won't even be there! Maybe we should put off the move! ABANDONMENT! ABANDONMENT! ARGGGH!

*sigh*

A day later, I'm a little more sanguine about this situation. I've decided that George's schedule September onward will not be tragic. It just means I'll have weekends to redecorate the apartment how I want it without his interference >:-)

... also healthy doses of alone time on the weekend, which I will need to ease myself into actually living with someone again.

... and it will force me to strengthen my personal social contacts in CT (as opposed to the ones we have as a couple) after the move.

... and it'll cut down on our excursions out of town, which should help save money.

So long as the schedule isn't a permanent thing, which it ain't, it'll be fine.

And on the topic of schedules, I've decided we need to do a week of rehearsal, probably in June, so I can get a feel for how it would be to do the CT-NYC commute every day. I'm thinking keeping this job, at least for a while, might not be a bad thing. There's no sense in making stupid money decisions in the name of love ... because that stupid decision will come back and piss all over your hearts and flowers and then where will you be? So, I'll continue to put feelers out for a gig in CT, but I'm hanging on to this job until something really worthwhile comes along or a position with an equivalent salary appears, and that may just take a while longer than we were hoping.

Baby Flavored Donuts

2009-05-16T09:06:00.003-04:00

There's a sarcastic trope around the fat-o-sphere (a loose group of fat acceptance blogs and sites) that fat-vilifiers believe that fat people are fat because they eat boxes of baby flavored donuts. This, of course, is not true. They're just chocolate flavored.

KIDDING.

The reality is there are many reasons that someone could be overweight, including genetics, medications, other medical issues, and as well as the usually blamed culprits of poor diet and exercise habits. Anyone who's ever been overweight for a length of time will tell you that cleaning up your act with the last two is no express ticket to Skinnytown. It is NOT as simple as burn more, eat less. I am overweight and have been since my freshman year of college. In fact, according to my current BMI I'm a few points into the morbidly obese category.

I will freely admit that currently I'm not healthy. My blood pressure is up and currently being controlled with medication, my stress levels are crazy, my stamina is down, I'm having bouts of depression and panic, I have trouble sleeping, I've got numerous aches and pains, I think I might be developing a touch of asthma, and I've been eating like crap and not exercising. I will freely admit that my weight is up from where it was last year. I don't believe my medical issues are caused by my weight, I believe my increased weight (and everything else) is a symptom of the stress I've been living with.

I'm stressed out to the max (o'mi'gawd) these days. The relocation (November), job change (?), Dad being in and out of hospitals and nursing homes after the latest fall or broken bone or dry-out and where is he going to live, will he die before I can get him moved some where safer, stress at the office, crappy economy, paying off debt not fast enough, possibly being a nomad for a while crashing in my mother's spare room if a job in CT doesn't appear at the appropriate time, can I ever save for retirement, will I end up alone and eating catfood when I'm old and suffering from Alzheimer's, and what if after I take apart my NYC life it all falls to pieces with George and I'm left reconstructing. Again. A whole big world of unknowns and uncontrollables. Is it any wonder that I've been binging on the baby flavored donuts. Okay. They're not baby flavored, but there have been donuts, and it has had the flavor of a binge.

Before typing this entry, I ran out to the Dunkin across the street, got three donuts, and ate them in under 5 minutes. As binges go, that's not so horrible, but because of the emotional component, it's still a binge. This morning I'm aware of anxiety about finding a new job in CT, choosing a possible new career, and being a nomad for months or years while I try to work out the first two. And I'll tell you what. Eating those three donuts calmed me down enough to sit down and type this entry. Binging works in its way. I think there's some chemical response, a release of serotonin or something that's triggered, so it's not a completely unreasonable response. But, yes, this is not opitimal.

And I have been on many diets and do embrace the idea that diets and their euphamism "life-style changes" do not work. I watched the latest episode of Biggest Loser yesterday, and was horrified by the dangerous practices, disordered thinking, and fetisization of thin as the magic bullet to cure the contestent's problems. News flash: other than the boost from the sense of accomplishment from successfully competing, these people were just as fucked up as when they started the compeitition. They were just thinner now. And thin makes everything better, right? RIGHT?

When I moved back to NYC in 2002 I weight close to what I do now. I was coming out of a stifling marriage, and two rounds of self-esteme battering graduate school, with an esteme battering day-job between them. I hit NYC in debt, stressed out, unemployed, but with a sense of hope that I could make pursue the career I wanted and find new possiblities. I was in rehearsals for a semi-pro opera production, doing a smattering of temp work, making new friends, and exercising obsessively. The weight was dropping off like magic.

I had started going to the gym when I was finishing my doctorate. I was interested in the weight loss, health, and stress reduction benefits. In NYC, I couldn't afford a gym, so I went on walks almost every morning. Looking at those routes now, I estimate that I was walking 5+ miles a day, especially when you figure in the normal walking that every New Yorker does. I also wasn't eating much. My mainstays were scrambled eggs, PB&J sandwiches, and the occassional hamburger out with friends (half saved for another meal). I was eating less and moving more. People saw the weight falling off and congratulated me. I felt the panicked stress that was driving me and saw the hanks of hair falling out in the shower and suspected that something might not be right.

I didn't have a reliable scale that year, so I don't know exactly how much weight I lost, but I suspect that my lowest was around 215. I looked pretty good. I got a job, found a guy to date regularly, found an apartment of my own, and started to relax. The panic abated. The drive wound down. I was happy for a while. I didn't exercise as much, I ate a little more, and the weight started to come back. The next 5 years were an on going battle to recreate the conditions of my first panicked months in the city so I could keep loosing weight, except every time I'd lose a little, it'd come back and I was inching back up towards my heaviest.

Somewhere in the 230-240 range I was doing lots of yoga, which I loved. I felt strong, flexible, and mentally clear. It wasn't doing much for my weight, but my usually boarderline blood pressure was low enough to not cause remarks from my doctors during check-ups. I make the distinction that it was exercise, specifically yoga, that helped me manage my stress levels to reduce my blood pressure. My reduced blood pressure was not a result of weight loss, as I'd recently weighed less but had higher pressure. This was great. Unfortunately, yoga classes are expensive and were among the first things to go when I finally had to get serious about budgeting and reducing my debt. I have not been successful in keeping up a home practice.

The final straw in my diet odyssey was a relationship I had a few years ago. This man wanted me to lose weight. He saw my weight as the only impediment to his envisioning a future with me. I, being a pleaser personality, did everything I could to lose the weight. Of course, I couldn't manage to lose any more than 10 or 15 pounds and it always came back. I was so panicked about my inability to accomplish this simple task, and the horror of losing this man and being alone, that at one point when I had a horrible cold, I had an emotional meltdown over having miso soup and EmergenC in enough quantity to kill the cold because they would undermine my low-carb diet. Losing weight was more important than getting healthy.

I got hip to how disordered my thinking was. I got hip to the fact that this man would never want a permanent relationship with me, and that was his problem not mine. I got hip to how I could be fabulous at this weight or any other weight. I got hip to the idea that I could create a life worth having on my own, and that my weight had nothing to do with that. I moved on.

I sometimes binge and I have not been exercising. Even if I correct these two things, I will more than likely never be a so-called "healthy weight". If I correct these two things, I will be healtheir and will probably be able to go off the BP meds and be managing my stress levels better. I'll be trading exercise endorphans for binging serotonin, which is a pretty good bargin.

I know these things, yet getting restarted seems so difficult. I don't know where the road block is. I won't swear off the donuts, which I don't even really like. I won't promise to call 15 assisted living facilities. I won't promise to send out 30 resumes. I won't promise to do yoga every day. But I need to find the baby steps to move forward beyond the roadblock, and not reach for the baby flavored donuts.

I'm not Eva Gabor

2009-05-15T14:37:00.004-04:00

I'm not Eva Gabor.

No, New York is where I'd rather stay

I am an inner city child, raised in the no man's land between the Upper West Side and Harlem. I've lived other places (Massachusetts, Michigan, Oregon) and always longed to be back in NYC. I've lived in small cities and found them manegable but with limited options for the career I was aspiring to. I did suburbia when I was living in Michigan. It was not for me. In 2002 I came back to NYC and a bell went off. I wondered why I ever left.

Here I am seven years later once again contemplating leaving the land of my youth. I've met a man and fallen in love. The kicker is he lives in New Haven. Not only does he live in New Haven, he has as a life goal to move a rural location and build a house and a semi-sustainable life.

I get allergic smelling hay

Okay, not really. There is an element of that for me, but I've also been wanting to have some peace, a bit of a garden to play in. It may all be Animal Vegetable Miracle fantasies, but why not? As a preliminary step, when my lease is up in November of this year, I'llbe moving up to New Haven. I'm looking for a job up there, but also resigned to the idea of having a really crappy commute for a while. Of course, the timing couldn't be worse.

I finally found a job about 2 years ago that let me start paying down my graduate student-getting divorced-starving artist mountains of student loan and credit card debt. I've done a bit, but I've miles to go. If life stayed the same, I'd be debt free in a little over 4 years. It will no doubt take longer with the lower salary I'll be getting in CT. I worry that if it takes too long to get debt free that I'll be further behind in saving for what will pass for retirement for my generation. Also, that dream of a garden to grub in will take a bit of cash down to accomplish.

Also in the hopper is my father. A frail, recently widowed, alcoholic with mobility issues, though only 70 he looks more like 80+. He moved with his wife up to a fairly remote part of South Eastern Massachusetts 12 years ago, but now that she's gone he's talking about moving back to NYC to be closer to friends, services, and culture. He's thinking a little apartment with a doorman. I'm thinking assisted living. Is he a reason to stay in NYC or a reason to leave?

It doesn't matter. I'm committed to moving in with my boyfriend.
It just scares the bejeezus out of me.

Goodbye city life, Green Acres we are there...

Son of Ratatouille

2007-06-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

One day I brought ratatouille and a leftover chicken leg for lunch. A bit awkward to deal with sitting on the plaza out side.

The NEXT day I picked off the rest of the chicken meat (about a cup), and combined with about 3/4th cup ratatouille and a Tbl. of parmesan for a more stew like dish that'd be easier to eat.

Ratatouille -- the dish not the animated movie

2007-06-19T11:55:00.001-04:00

Other than I'm still scrubbing eggplant off the bottom of my dutch oven, this recipe is stupid easy, again from that annoying book "French women don't get fat."

3 lbs. eggplant, washed and chopped into chunks
3 lbs. zucchini, washed and chopped into chunks
3 lbs. tomatoes, washed and chopped into chunks
12 cloves of garlic
fresh parsley
fresh basil
olive oil

Put the veggies in the pot in layers starting with eggplant, then zucchini, then tomatoes, with sprigs of parsley and cloves of garlic between. Cover and cook on very low heat for 2.5 hours until all veggies are soft.

Day one, serve as a soup with a dollop of olive oil and fresh basil sprinkled on top.
Day two, strain off the juice and serve the cooked veggies warm or room temp with a dash of grated cheese on top.

My pot's not that big, so I only used about 2.5 lbs of each of the veggies, and tomatoes are too expensive, so I got 4 fresh plum tomatoes and added a large can of good whole tomatoes and the juice they were packed in. NB, there's NO oil used in the cooking, so those who are doing the low-fat thing, this is a great option.

I served this to my lovely friend Kathleen with rotisserie chicken and a bottle of rose wine she brought over. A good time was had by all.

(does anyone know how to add accents on letters in blogger?)

Expanding the scope

2007-06-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

What the heck. Keeping this a food only blog doesn't seem to be working, so I'm going to expand the scope. Whatever.

So THIS is what's been happening.

A week ago Saturday I get a call from my father saying that my stepmother (Mimi) was in the ICU with pneumonia, and that he was feeling awful and was about to call 911 to get himself taken in as well. Ok, no reason to panic yet. Then Saturday afternoon, I get a call from one of the neighbors saying that Dad was in the ICU as well.

I call the hospital and find out that not only are his alcohol levels high (nothing like the having an ICU nurse try and be tactful about telling you your Dad's an alcoholic ... thanks, yes, I knew), but they're checking him for some sort of cardiac episode. The rest of the day is spent on the phone shuttling between neighbors, relatives, and the hospital since I and Mimi's nephew are the only ones who can get information from the hospital. I figure, not much I can do while they're in the ICU, and as long as they're not dying, I'll stay put. Mimi gets moved out of the ICU on Sunday morning (having been there since Thursday), dad gets moved out on Sunday afternoon, and no one at the hospital calls to let me know. THIS is not good.

Figuring I'm not getting the whole picture over the phone, I drove up to MA on Tuesday. They were both still on Ativan to help with the DTs, and kind of out of it. It seems that a month long trip to Europe was too much for them. They were both exhausted, malnourished, and having extremely high blood alcohol levels. In addition, Mimi came down with pneumonia on the way back which is what put her in the hospital initially.

Dad was released on Friday, and I got him set up with rides (since he's not cleared to drive right now) and one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" buttons, since my main concern for him is falling as he has bad neuropathy (numbness) in both his legs from years of alcohol abuse, and cleared all the gin out of the house. At least HE seems to be being sensible about his limitations.

Mimi was moved to a nursing home Friday to recuperate physically (and I suspect to give her a little longer to dry out), and we thought she'd be there for a few weeks. She fought every minute of it. Visiting with her each day was a 2 hour harangue about how she
didn't belong there, with phone calls to doctors, etc. She came home yesterday (against Doctors orders) when she proved that while she was still weak and
walking with a walker, she could handle the stairs. What can you do? And of course, she won't even discuss the possibility that she has a drinking problem.

I came home on Sunday and have been in a bit of a fog since.

Presto Pickles

2007-04-26T13:22:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to say the pickle experiment worked! Make your favorite garlic and mustardy vinaigrette dressing. Mine involves olive oil, red wine vinegar, a clove of garlic, some herbs ... possibly de Provence, and some Dijon mustard (I've been known to mix it up in the mustard bottle when the mustard is getting low). Add a tiny bit of sugar or other sweetener to balance the acidity, and dump on top of one fancy-ish bag of mixed vegetables like these:

http://www.seapointfarms.com/products.asp?prod=71&cat=44&hierarchy=0

Let sit for a day or two, and hey-presto! You've got some lovely picked veggies without all that tedious blanching. They're going great with the Cayettes.

Catching up via leftovers

2007-04-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

I'm getting back in the habit of taking yoga classes after work 2 times a week, which makes for late dinners. When I eat late I like to eat light so last night was a little charcuterie: cornishon, French black and green olives (from Garden of Eden), cheddar cheese and duck rillettes I have lurking in the fridge made from some confit I'd made even longer ago. To make the whole thing thoroughly Atkins, I suggest spreading the rillettes on a slice of cheese ... R. discovered this with Gouda when I served a similar spread to him last week, but since he ate most of the Gouda, Cheddar it was! If you're not doing this silly low-carb thing, by all means, slather it on good bread at will.

So for the back-tracking:

I used this recipe for duck confit:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/102313

Duck legs only (available quite cheap from FreshDirect.com), and my stash of duck fat has some olive oil in it from the first time I made confit. If you're planning on making rillettes, remember to save the garlic cloves from the confit process ... or just eat them smooshed on bread if you're not.

Here's the recipe for the rillettes:

http://www.emerils.com/recipes/by_name/duck_rillettes_version2.html

I didn't have any cognac in the house so I substituted madira, and I didn't have really good butter, so I used only 2 Tbls and put in more duck fat. What could be bad about that? I also hadn't saved the garlic from the confit (or someone ate it!), so I used 3 cloves of fresh garlic. The meat from two duck legs confit made about 1.5 cups of rillettes which I packed into ramekins, covered and stashed in the fridge. Because of the fat content a little goes a VERY long way.

My version was pretty tasty, though I may convince R. that he needs to gift me a bottle of cognac for use in the kitchen. He has his sources.

Whoops!

2007-04-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

Almost a month got away from me there, and there were some nifty meals. I'll have to fill in on occassion, or make them again or something.

The big dish for lunch THIS week is Cayettes. Think of them as French meatloaf patties with winter greens rather than breadcrumbs. Like meatloaf, it's good hot or cold. If cold, serve with spicy mustard and something vinegary like pickles or 3 bean salad.

1 lb. ground beef
1/2 lb. ground pork
1 bunch of winter greens (spinach, kale, chard, etc.), chopped in 1/2" strips
6 scallions, chopped in 1/2" pieces
1 onion, chopped (about 1 cup)
3 cloves of garlic, smashed & chopped.
2 Tbls. olive oil
1 egg, beaten
1/2 tsp. pepper
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg

I chopped the scallions and chard by hand and blitzed the onion and garlic in the mini-prep. Add oil to a large skillet (I used less oil and used the same pan that I'd fried bacon in earlier in the day) and sweat the onions and garlic. Add the scallions and greens by the hand-full and cook until quite wilted. Remove from heat and let cool a bit. In a bowl mix the vegetable mixture with the meats, egg, and spices. The resulting mush will be quite wet. Form into 12 patties on a greased baking sheet (something with at least a bit of a rim) and bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.

The original recipe from Jacques Pepin's Cuisine Economique calls for spinach and chicken livers (5) and no egg. I made that version last year, but wanted to see if I could use whatever was on hand. This go-round, I think it needs more pepper and garlic.

Tip: If you're using a green that has a thick spine, devein the leaves and chop those, then chop the spine as well and keep separate. Add the spine to the onion mixture first so it has longer to soften up.

I had these cold today with some plain mixed frozen veg, and it occured to me that I could make an easy and lovely mixed veg pickle with the rest of this bag. Will have to give it a try tonight.

What's in a name?

2007-03-29T14:25:00.000-04:00

I realized today that I've named the various chunks o fat that have been added to (and lost from) my body over the years.

Long gone is:
I'm unhappily married and my husband won't sleep with me: 276-(230 or so at the best)

More recent additions & subtractions are:
The Recent Holidays: 254-246
I Badly Sprained My Ankle: 246-242

Next to go:
OH SHIT I TURNED 40: 242-233
HE Doesn't See Me That Way So Why Should I Bother: 233-221

Then back into the old favorites of virgin fat territory:

Why Did I Get Married (and chose to live in MICHIGAN?!?!)?: 221-210
I Really Hate This Grad Schoo:l 210-190
and
Several years of 'Freshman' Fifteen: 190-150

Yes, I have clear memories of dieting down to 150 right before leaving for college, fitting into 1980s size 15 black Levi's 501 button fly jeans, and STILL thinking I was fat. Vey.

Tofu Noodles

2007-03-20T15:05:00.000-04:00

... really aren't that bad. And for only only 3 grams of Carb per serving, they'll do the trick if you need a noodley vehicle for sauce. I served them this weekend with the Beef Stroganoff recipe from Fran McCullough's "Low Carb Cookbook" which I had kicking around from the last time I did the Atkins thing.

http://www.amazon.com/Low-Carb-Cookbook-Fran-McCullough/dp/0786889918/ref=sr_1_1/104-0436443-8655903?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1174417591&sr=8-1

Other low carb delights .... cream, Irish whiskey and stevia makes a reasonable facsimilie of Bailey's. YUM!

I've also discoverd that a few chicken livers re-warmed in bacon grease go wonderfully with my eggs in the morning. It feels rather Brittish.

True Confessions

2007-03-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

Confession #1: So I suppose I should own up to the fact that I'm doing Atkins these days, hence the preoccupation with carbohydrate grams. Don't let that chase away my Weight Watchers friends though. My average daily calories have been hanging around 1650 or so which about right for my points level too. I'm tracking it ALL in fitday.com and checking the nutritional info regularly to make sure I don't have any glaring deficits.

Confession #2: I like chicken livers. So that was dindin last night. Cheap too!

one small onion, chopped
2 red bell peppers cut into 2" strips
butter (you decide, I used tons cuz I can)
1 lb. chicken livers rinsed and drained
1/4 cup Madeira

Sweat the onions in the butter. Add the chicken livers and brown add Madeira and cook until livers are done. Remove livers, add peppers and cook them in remaining liquid until done to your satisfaction and liquid has cooked down. Return livers to pan and stir gently to coat.

4 livers with some of the veg makes a satisfying portion at um ... I don't know cuz fitday.com seems to be having a fit. But really, it was plenty filling and not too bad.

The interesting bit will be finding ways to use the leftover liver. mmmmm.

Easy lunch

2007-03-15T14:22:00.000-04:00

leftover chicken from rotisserie bird
mixed with
Thai Pepper Mayo
on
raw spinach.

nuff said.

Spring Lamb

2007-03-14T14:20:00.000-04:00

Today's lunch was quite successful. I'd gotten a few Lamb Shoulder Chops at Whole Foods and slopped them in a bag with the last of a bottle of Tandoori marinade that I had skulking around the fridge. Let sit for a day. I broiled them both last night and had one for dinner with a salad. For today, I cut the meat from the 2nd one off the bone and into cubes, and mixed with frozen mixed veg. A few secs in the office nuker to warm. Hey-presto! Fitday has the whole lot figured at about 400 cal, 7gm carb. for the lot. Perfectly reasonable for a substantial lunch.

YAY SPRING!

Oscar Night Dinner

2007-02-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

I can't say that it was cheap, but it sure was good. I pulled a 2 lbs. venison loin roast out of the freezer the day before. (Apparently, I AM the kind of woman who has things like venison roasts lurking in her freezer. Whodathunkit?) I threw it in a ziploc to thaw with olive oil, 5 smashed cloves of garlic, juniper berries, pepper corns, and a bunch of fresh thyme.

The night of I pre-cooked red cabbage: steamed until tender crisp, add a generous amount of butter and some caraway seeds. When my guest arrived I put the appetizers in the oven: Bacon wrapped scallops (thank you FreshDirect). mmmmmm ... Once those are done and removed to a plate, I take the roast out of the marinade, knocking off all the twigs and berries, and sear it on all sides in the bacon grease from the scallops. The whole pan then goes into a 350 oven for a quick roast (about 30 minutes), while we enjoy the scallops and a cocktail. Let rest for a few minutes out of the oven then slice thinly. Serve with the warm cabbage. Delicious.

Floating Island?

2007-02-07T10:24:00.000-05:00

Dinner last night was a plebian whole wheat spaghetti with some meat sauce that I'd made from a Weight Watcher's recipe a few weeks ago and frozen into single servings. Easy. I was feeling the need for a sweetie and had resisted the allure of Ben & Jerry's on the way home. Besides, when it's been below freezing for a week, who the heck wants ice cream?

I settled on trying out a recipe for Floating Island that appears in French Women Don't Get Fat. Well sorta. I halved it. I also used Splenda instead of sugar, as I'm trying to keep my carbs low. And didn't really follow the proportions ... so we'll say it was INSPIRED BY. It's an interesting old fashioned kind of dessert. It's sweetened egg whites poached in milk with a custard made from the poaching liquid and the yolks. Plus a dusting of cocoa powder. I'd make it again. The recipe called for it all to be chilled, but I just had it warm, and it was just dandy.

I did it in a sauce pan, but I think next time I'll use the skillet that I poach eggs in. The dollops of egg white expand as they poach (duh) so it got a little crowded in my sauce pan.

1 cup milk
2 eggs separated
dash of salt
Splenda to taste
almond extract
cocoa powder to taste

Scald the milk and remove from heat. Whip the egg whites until stiff with salt and a bit of the Splenda. Return milk to heat. Place dollops (generous tablespoons?) of the whipped egg white in the milk, bring to a boil. Flip the egg whites, they should take a minute or two to cook. You may have to do the whites in two batches. Remove the whites to a plate. Beat the egg yolks with more Splenda and almond extract (booze would be nice too) and temper with a little of the hot milk. Carefully add the milk to the eggs and return to the heat, cook until thickened, stirring all the while. Serve in a bowl with the custard poured over the egg whites, dust with cocoa if you like.

This was really enough for two people, but I was feeling like a greedy-guts.

Fast Eggy Breakfast

2007-02-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Breakfast on the go is an issue. I had been having oatmeal: 3 minutes in the nuker and you're good to go ... but I ran out of oatmeal, and I've been thinking of ways to up my protein. This week I made a strata, basically a big baked omelet.

1 Tbl. olive oil
1 onion
1 zucchini
10 oz mushrooms
2 cups frozen mixed vegetables
9 eggs
4 oz 2% cheddar cheese, grated
paprika
salt

Sautee the onion in the oil, chop and add the zucchini and mushrooms until they've released their liquid. Thaw the mixed vegetables and combine with the mushroom mix. Spread vegetables in a greased baking dish (mine is 8x12 I think) . Top veggies with 1/2 the grated cheese. Beat the eggs and add paprika and salt to taste. Pour into baking dish, top with the rest of the cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

I'm figuring this as 6 portions at around 200 calories or 4 points, and 1 veggie serving. After the 1st day, nuke on a plate for 30 seconds and eat.

Obviously you could throw whatever veggies you have on hand into this thing, like-wise the cheese. I think most reduced fat cheeses taste like ass, but the Cracker Barrel 2% cheddars seem to do the trick when you cook with it, though I'd never want a chunk on it's own.

Yogurt notes etc.

2007-02-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

I've been making my own yogurt for a while now. The product might be a little variable, but I use a high quality milk, and have played with different kinds of yogurt (therefore bacteria) as starters. I feel I get a higher quality product for the money than if I bought yogurt pre-made. Of course I haven't yet reached the holy grail of the strained Greek style 'gurt, but I'll keep trying.

This week's batch turned out a bit odd because I had nothing but soy yogurt in the fridge to use as a starter. The sweetish (soyish?) taste from the starter has permeated the batch. A healthy shake of cinnamon seems to mask it sufficiently, so the batch isn't a loss. The other difference is that I used 1 quart of 2% and 1 quart of skim milk. The difference in texture from all skim yogurt is impressive. That 2% of fat might just be worth it for the improved mouth-feel.

Lunches this week will be Asian roast pork over frozen veggies. A "reheat" nuke in the lunch room microwave gives me veggies that aren't overdone.

The recipe for the roast pork came from some website, that I can't find, and might have misremembered, but the results were pretty darn good.

2.5 lbs. Pork Butt roast (mine separated into 3 nice chunks)
2 Tbls. Asian 5-Spice
2 Tlbs. low sodium soy sauce
2 Tlbs. sesame oil
2 Tlbs. sugar (I used turbinado)

Throw it all into a ziploc bag, mush around until the pork is coated with the spice mixture, marinate overnight (the recipe said at least an hour, or overnight, mine was for about 24 hours). Roast at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Let rest. Slice very thinly.

I'm quite pleased with it. The roasted meat isn't dry, but most of the fat has cooked out. It made me sad to toss all those drippings in the pan, but what's a girl to do? The pork butt cost about $12 at Whole Foods. Figure the frozen veggies ... maybe $3 more bucks for 2 bags of mixed veg., the rest were pantry items. ... so that's what? Main lunch course all week for $3 a day? Not bad.

4 oz. of pork roast is around 220 cals and 24 grams of protein. Also, not bad.

And So It Begins

2006-08-30T15:45:00.000-04:00

I've had an idea bouncing around in my head for a while about really documenting (and thereby keeping myself on the straight and narrow) what I'm eating. I'm talking beyond the Weight Watchers point counting and Healthy Guidelines. My thought is to prove to myself and others that eating well and healthfully is not expensive, and cooking from high quality ingredients (local, organic, sustainable and all the current buzzwords) need not be prohibitively expensive with a little planning and frugality. Living in Manhattan is expensive enough without having to shell out $9 a day for a crappy lunch from some deli in midtown.